It's pretty hard for me to find any positive feelings to share at times.

I just forgot what I was going to say and that's actually part of the problem.
I feel like I'm stuck in a short endless repeating cycle, day after day after day. Mainly being depressed, I think things are going to get better and then I've taken 3 steps back. Each and every week starts to feel the same and I'm tired of my thoughts racing, and my lack of focus.

Medication?
I really don't think any of it does much, It's not really possible for me to be fixed. Lately I've had more problems with my memory, focus, racing thoughts, and the fact that I'm evened out and can't really cry but yet I feel like I'm going to explode. I was just feeling really ****** and now I perked up for.... well I'm depressed again. Yep, good fun.

You know what really pisses me off? The fact that everyone acts like it's all no big deal, it's because of this, it's because of that, life gets better, look at the positive side etc. Often I want to tell people that if they felt like this for a month they would want to blow their ****ing brains out too.

I go for therapy, etc. Does it feel like it's made a difference over the long run? A little I have to admit. But then again it's like I always take 3 steps back and sometimes I don't even get to take half a step forward.

And again I have to note that my mood just had an upswing again, how I wish I could just ****ing focus on one thing. It would be so nice to be able to focus. I have add and take drugs for that too, but still I have constant issues with focus. By the time I go to see anyone about this I'll probably be fine for a few hours, and then I'll be ****** again. In fact I thought I was pretty stable but I guess not!

Whining is my new hobby, I was just thinking about going and doing something else but I always get locked into a debate with myself about whether I want to do anything and whether I'll enjoy it or not.
My thinking is that people just don't understand what this feels like, it hurts physically too. I'm so tired it's ridiculous, but yet when the week comes I have to run out and pretend to be normal and happy and care about my life.

Most times I feel like the universe is messing with me, if I acknowledge something that's good or get excited about something it falls through, blows up on me, disintegrates, wait actually that's every time. I have yet to have something good I acknowledge not turn sour. It's like I'm being listened to and then someone says "Hey, he thinks this will work, lets **** with him again and see how far we can push him until he loses his mind and goes off the edge". Most days I feel like I'd be much more comfortable being locked up in a padded room, my mind will tear me apart anyway.
Why can't the bad turn good when I acknowledge it? lol.

Life....... Life with a mental illness. Bi-polar 2, sentenced for life. Plus the fact that as frequently as it can the universe denies me any pleasure.

Hey, what can I say.