So my life pretty much revolves around my job. I work in healthcare, I go to school so that I can work in healthcare even more (though I'm not at the moment--it's summer) and I would say that, in a busy week, I can spend 60+ hours in a hospital. I see these people more than I see my bed, let alone my friends.

I've worked at my current job for 6 years, and I've had some very low points. I understand that I can be difficult; I'm anxious, paranoid about relationships, depressed sometimes, and I have a very difficult time trusting people, especially if they've done something to hurt me, and I tend to lash out when I feel threatened in these areas. You know how work places can be, someone is always talking some smack about someone, and there always has to be a scapegoat. I've been the scapegoat lots of times. I think they think it's easy. Or fun, who knows?

Well, things have been going really well, mood-wise, for the past year (I struggle with depression and then some GAD). I've been very stable with my meds, I like my PDOC and T, they were feeling I was stable. And so last fall I started trying to really make amends with my coworkers because I know that my defensiveness and paranoia played a part in the rift between all of us. I didn't expect us all to kiss, make up, and start braiding each other's hair every weekend. But I did expect us to start treating each other like human beings, especially after we all opened up at a party at one of my coworker's homes last month. After that, I felt great. I thought things were good, we would all be cool, I could approach them without being ignored and wouldn't feel talked down to when they approached me.

Wrong.

Now I'm pissed. I feel like I reached my hand out and got burned. I mean, is this payback? Are they trying to show me what a jerk I was by being nasty to me? Really? We're adults! I mean, if you want to talk about childishness, it even got to the point where I friended a few of them on FB (not really that big a deal to me, but I felt like it was an olive branch of sorts) and NOT ONE OF THEM accepted. One even said I was in "FB purgatory" with him, that he was still deciding, that I was really just a "frenemy," after all.

What's the point? Why forgive? Why reach out and try to be nice to people? I mean really, I want to know, what the heck is the point?? I can tell you this for dang sure: I will never make the mistake of opening myself up and attempting to "bridge the gap" again. Never ever again.