OK, I'm going to try and process/keep all of what you wrote in mind while responding.

I am 17. Self harm, ED, depression, fights with parents, suicidality, the whole bit. So I can tell you you're not alone. Honestly I'm in no position to preach at the moment as there are times when I want nothing more than to not exist and I consider trying to act on that (so I ain't being "sweet and caring"). Not everyone is corruption and lies, though I can understand feeling that way.

I think it is awful that your parents feel this way, but, as you know, some people just don't get it. The people on PC get it BUT you need people in real life for support. So. You've got your sister, and that's good, but I don't know how much you want to be telling her since she's twelve. Try using her as a distraction when you want to cut maybe? Or when you feel really down or suicidal, think of how it would affect her? How much she would be hurting? Just suggestions, don't know everything about your relationship with her.

I wish you had not had such a bad experience with therapy. You say it was the worst day of your life, but was that because of the therapist or because of your parents? If the therapist did nothing wrong, perhaps you could try again? It seems to me like your parents are going to be abusive about this not matter what, so you may as well see someone with experience who can support you. If your parents are no longer willing to take you to the psychologist, could you talk to your school counselor? I know you said you have trouble discussing feelings in person, but this person would probably be pretty much a stranger, right? And have you reached that point where trying ANYTHING is better than doing nothing and just sitting with this and feeling this excruciating pain?

I think you should try the Zoloft. Medications can have side affects, but if that happens they will take you off of it and find something else that works. Personally, I am on Celexa and battled with my therapist/parents for months about whether or not I should take it. I finally cracked because I respect my therapist and it was what she wanted, but I was still unsure if it was what I wanted or if it could help. Now when I miss a day I notice that I do a LOT more angry sobbing :/ Anti-depressants really can help you and they aren't permanent or hurtful. You can always change your mind. They are just another tool to getting the life that you deserve.

You say you want SOMETHING but are not sure what. I get that too. So I think these steps forward (meds, therapist, thinking of your sister) could possibly help, just because it's SOMETHING.

For me I think of what I want in the future. At first all I could think of was "nothing" because I, too, saw life as a pointless cycle. But then I just came up with one little thing. I wanted a little red A-frame house with white and blue trim. And then I decided I wanted a vegetable garden in the back and a flower garden in the front. And things flowed from there until I had a dream college, dream major, and several dream jobs that involve travel and helping people and just being happy. I don't mean that this will be easy and I'm NOT saying "just think positive thoughts and you'll get better" because I HATE when people tell me that (ignorant!!!) But I just know that it's better to try something than do nothing.

Message me if you like. I am more than willing to listen.