My college does have a counseling center for helping students with figuring out what classes they need, but I don't think they do anything else. My college has had a lot of cuts in the past 2 years.

I am finding out that my depression is more observant in the mornings after waking up and in the night before bed. It is also observant when somethings reminds me of the past.

I am constantly reminded of the past and feel that the years are pasting by too fast. I feel like 2008 or 2009 were just yesterday and seeing something with a old date depresses me. I can barley remember that much before graduating high school but I do remember fragments of my past. I also have problems remember recent events too. For example I wanted to search something on Google and got distracted for about a minute and forgot what I was going to search for. Last night was my cousin's b-day and the family had a little party/dinner. I was somewhat depressed and felt awkward around them, especially because I don't have that much in common with them. I sometimes wish I could back in time and change the way my life was. I had hard times making firends and only made 1 "best" friend that I still hang out with. I don't really talk to people when I do have too, and even then it is hard to talk to them. Also I sometimes what to rearrange my room, but my grandparents don't me to. This is because my room was suppose to be their guest room and they didn't know when they moved here that I was going to be living with them. They moved from a bigger house (which I really liked) to a smaller house (where we live now) about a few months before I started high school. I still remember coming to their old house during the day after middle school.

There are other things I kinda remember from the past like watching Toonami weekdays afternoon after school. I think it was my mom's apartment, but cannot remember that too much. My mom has moved between at least 3-5 houses in the past 1-2 decades after my parents separated. My dad kept the house we lived in. He just recently moved in 2010 or 2011.

I still have a fragment of memory of living in some of the houses the my mom owned/rented. I have no idea what I'm going to do when I am start living by myself or when I transfer to a 4yr college (if that is possible). I sometimes what to get it over with so I can get out of my grandparent's house, but other times I don't want to. I have been living in the same way for almost 5-7 years. I used to go to either my mom or dad's house every weekend until I turned 16-17 (I think) and just went to my dad's every other weekend until I was around 18 and stopped going there. I do go there sometimes, but not that often. The last time I saw my dad was my birthday which was in April. Before my grandparents and dad moved their houses were about a 2-3 minute walk from each other. My mom's was across town. I used to go to my grandmother's house after school, but cannot really remember much of either middle school or staying after school or what I did. I barley remember who my teachers were. I miss some of the times I have had in my childhood around 10-13 and how much free time I would have.

Now I cannot seem to find time to sit down and play videogames. I am either doing homework, at school, or I am on my computer. When I don't have to go to school or any place else I rarely leave my room/house. I think once I spent a few days without leaving my house. I have hard time waking up in the morning, showering, brushing my teeth, etc. My grandmother has to nag me to do that and I sometimes don't remember. If I didn't try to remember to record if I took a shower or brushed my teeth I could not remember when I last did it. I also have hard time remembering to go to the bathroom (# 2). I think the longest I didn't go to the bathroom was 2-4 weeks. I remember a day when I had a lot of trouble going to the bath room in my junior year of high school and I cannot believe it was almost 5 years ago. I have a hard time remembering all that went on in high school, but I know it wasn't all that great because I didn't have that many friends and sometimes hanged out by myself.

I sometimes wish I could send my mind back in time to a point in my child hood even though I know right now it is not possible, but hope sometime in my life it could be.

I just think everything is moving too fast and my childhood could have been longer. I kinda remember that there were times when I just wanted to grow up, but now I wish I could go back in time and make my childhood better.

Sometimes I think I was the "test" child because it seems like everyone else (brother, cousin, half-siblings) has a better life than me. I also envy my friend because he is more outgoing and is not shy in social places.

Also my younger brother, cousin, and friend are also taller than me. I used to by taller than my cousin and brother and now they are like 6 feet and I'm around 5'5". Also somtimes I tought my brother was more favoerd by my dad because he didn't seem to have chores and I did.

Also now my brother is not doing that well in school and for a while my father didn't do that much about it. My mother and step-father did do something but I don't they did all that much. I remember when I got F's in school my dad would have been pissed at me.

I sometimes wish I could remember all of my childhood, but I only remember fragments of it and do not remember when I changed from wanting to be with my mother to the reserved, shy, introvert person I am now. I used to always want to be with my mother and hug/kiss her but now I feel awkward around her and I wish I could back and stop myself from tuning my self out.

The only source of income I have right now is working with my step-father and is home-based pest control business, but that is only around 30-40 a day and I can usually only work 1-3 days because of my going to school full time.

I only recently have had to start working for money because my grandfather thinks its time I need to be a man and earn my way, which is next to impossible right now. He constantly reminds me he is paying my way through community college and is trying to force me to get an AA/AS so I can get a job. That is kinda good in all, but my college doesn't over that many degrees that interest me and if I want to transfer I would need to either get a loan or hope I get federal aid/full ride scholarship. Another thing I wanted to change is the was I did in school (middle and high school) I cannot remember how I did in middle school, but I was a c-b student in high school.

Well that's all I can think of right now.