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dramatica · May 13, 2012, 04:43 PM

So i had been rapid cycling for the last month which is the longest i have ever rapid cycle'd before. only a week or two was my longest before. Anyways it scared me being there. I wasn't on any pills but now am (since thursday the 10th). i have been at a crisis intervention house (respite house) the last week and am going home tomorrow. i have come out of of rapid cycle and was feel quite good because my mood is stabilizing. but i took the quiz here for overall mood and it said i was dealing with some depressed feelings and a bit of anxiety. [do those two usually come hand in hand with anyone else??]
so from there, since i was kind of surpirsed about the depressed note, i took the depression quiz as well. it was a 55. even the questions though, got to me and made me realise 'hey. i am depressed'.

it confused me i think becuase i was back in a comfort zone. im used to being somewhat depressed and it just felt normal to me. and that, in its self makes me mad. anoyed. irritated. to think how much i felt i had come in life, making good decisions for myself for the last 6 months and realised it wasn't as big of a success i thought it was...
well you gotta start somewhere. theres no cure i keep telling myself, there is only hope that things will always gradually increase. like intrest in money. invest time and effort and you will be paid for your commitment right?
i have that thought in my head, doesnt mean im feeling it though.

i wrote this in my diary and it seems to give me a little justice of where im at right now.

This is how i am feeling right now. Can i deal with that?
Tolerance

I must be feeling like this for a reason. And that reason is not in my control.
Acceptance

It will change. Everyone's mood is always changeing. Like the wind and the weather. Breathe
Patience

and that made me feel a bit better. being able to share with others also makes me feel better. the acceptance part is just a little harder for me then paitence. but i got tolerance down right now. for this time.

with my BPD (and it being a very new confirmed diagnosis) i always want to try and be in control of things, even if it isn't possble. do the best and be the best i can right now. (those feelings are deeply intertwined with my psychosis i went through, and the thinking patterns i adopted from that)