"in return. My purpose is to never lose sight of that one dream that has proven to be most elusive, love."--quote from your letter to your therapist.

here in this thread, you ask the question..to paraphrase..."how do I heal if I have never known love"

I believe what you are zeroing in on is your inability to love yourself? So you have gone through most of your life seeking relationships which would not yield any love either, only abuse?

Not "spiritual" love, at any rate. You also wrote of that.

Looking in from the outside here, sounds like you are spiritually bankrupt; and you know it too! You state that you feel nothing about the abuse in your childhood years, yet you recognize it as having been an element of your quandries now. Dunno where the word "incest" came from.

To reply; I am only able to say what has helped me. My background was similar, though I am a female, and there was actual incest, with all the accoutrements over many years.

I have spent over 42 years in sometimes brilliant, sometimes idiotic therapy, with specialists, and I have learned all the techniques to help me cope. I do cope rather well today. Therapy is key to finding your answer.

The other, most relevant key in my healing; has been to reconnect with the child I was...who is still present in my nature today. I learned to embrace, love, and enjoy her on a daily basis. Wasn't easy to do. I am forever grateful for the help I had to finally do it. Yes, I was emotionally void for many years... I finally cried for many days for that little girl who is with me now. That child was also enraged!! I learned to voice that anger constructively, and to stop the spiritual bankruptcy in my soul.

From your other post--"love..."? Yes, it is the answer... love of oneself, honesty with oneself, a good relationship with oneself is the only way to connect with another human in a healthy, loving, mutual relationship. ( I am certain of this...I read it everywhere! LOL)

I almost found that in my life. Unfortunately, the other person was not capable of loving me in a manner which would have been worthy of my love. It would have been another abusive relationship.

Ain't no one on this planet who loves me as much as I have finally learned to love myself.
Am I unworthy of being loved for who I am? I do not believe this to be true.

I refuse to conform to another persons need for me to be anyone other than who I am. If i'm "not good enough" for someone... I say "Bye"!!

I am lonely at times, but not unhappy: this stems from not permitting others to steal my spiritual contentment from me... no one invades my soul without my permission. I respect myself.

I enjoy my life, who I am, by myself, today. I wish you all the best--pax, theo