I think I'm finally finding that the less I fight my "dependency" on T, the less dependent I feel.

I used to agonize about calling or sending e-mails...would it be okay, would I be bothering him, etc? And then I *would* e-mail but spiral out wondering if he was annoyed with me.

I'm figuring out that it's okay to ask for what I need, that what I need really isn't too much, and that if I can just accept that, all of my dependency fears quiet down.

I e-mailed T twice this weekend - once on Friday because I was really worrying about something from session, and once on Sunday just to connect. He e-mailed me back both times - with a long, detailed answer on Friday, and with a short, connecting e-mail on Sunday.

I think since I'm not fighting with myself, and T is receptive, it feels okay. I know T is safe, and our relationship is safe. I don't feel like I need to contact him today, because I *know* he's there.

It took YEARS, and then a giant rupture, for me to believe that when T said "it's okay to call/e-mail" he really meant it. Believing that has made things so much easier.

Weirdly, I think the more we allow ourselves to be dependent, the more independent we are able to be. I see that with my kids....when I meet their needs, they are comfortable and happy and go about their days. When I'm distracted or unavailable, they cling so much more. Just like me and T