I love the reference to "spiritual bankruptcy." *It is so apropos. * It has taken me a long time to accept the possibility that something is wrong with me. * Recently, a relationship I was in ended. It was very odd. I knew that there was no potential for the relationship. I knew that I would get hurt if I continued. There were also other factors involved such as an STD, not mine, I marveled at my willingness to accept this person even though she was for all intensive purposes abusive.*

She unceremoniously *dumped me on my birthday. * She seemed like the sweetest lady I had ever met but yet she was as abusive as any I have ever met.*

I have known for a couple of years that I have a problem. Prior to that I didn't care to address it. I was married for 23 years and it ended with her death. After that I sought the ultimate in abuse, I married a women who suffers from bi-polar I and refused medication. She is now in jail for assault with a deadly weapon. Guess who she assaulted. * In the past 2 years there have been three relationships. All were with women who are abusive.*

Oddly, I can feel the rejection very well. It seems that emotion is the one I seek most. I know these relationships are bad from *the start. I am very intuitive and can usually figure people out quickly. Yet, I chose to take a chance knowing how it's going to end.*

The last one was text book. She said she hated her mother but she really hated her father. I treated her like a princess and she was not capable of accepting me because of her hatred for men. I hate my mother. I hate her for failing to intervene and regardless of who the abuser was, she had an obligation to stop it. She didn't.*

The lady sought male abuse, I didn't abuse her. I sought female abuse, she gave it to me. Hence she wasn't happy and I was in love. A familiar cycle for me.*

Sorry I am rambling. I really appreciate your words.*