((((1moretime)))),

I think that it is good that you have finally stopped and are now recognizing your pattern. Oh, Sannah was writing the same time as I was and her message to you is so true as well.

It is very normal for ANYONE to tend to live WHAT THEY KNOW. And it is very normal for many people to not truely recognise that WHAT THEY KNOW is not healthy for them and it is actually wrong and will never be fruitful. We all imprint things we are not really aware of when we are young. It's never one's fault if their childhood imprinted them with messages that were really not healthy. You talk about not really being loved and appreciated, THAT IS WHAT YOU KNOW. And that can even lead to your thinking that you may not even be WORTHY as well.

So many people think that they are suppose to grow up and be their own person inspite of however they were raised. I know I thought that myself and I am around the same age as you and recognizing through my struggling with PTSD that I have things about myself that are directly related to what I experienced growing up too.

It is good that you are finally recognizing your pattern, I am sorry you had so many bad experiences. As you look at the relationships you had, you are also seeing that your partners were confused as well and their behaviors were directly related to their upbringing and imprinting on what they know how to have in relationships.

I agree with others here that recommended you find a good therapist. It is important for you to truely identify the "what you knows" that interupt with your actually having a healthy relationship. You are at the beginning of recognizing how you happened to choose certain women because they treated you in a manner you already knew how to accept somehow. You are going to have to really learn how to change that pattern and NOT feel that you don't deserve the type of woman that can actually have a relationship with you on a much healthier level.

Many times we can choose a mate in hopes of finally being loved and approved of by our negligent or abusive parents. This can happen where we are not really consciously aware of it. You need to make peace with that in therapy, get to the bottom of it and as is described here, learn to love and appreciate YOURSELF inspite of your history growing up. It is only when you truely get to address the reality of YOURSELF and actually learn how to consciously see it and allow yourself to CHANGE it which DOES TAKE TIME in therapy, you will finally be able to attemt having a healthier relationship.

My other advice is to make sure you don't blame yourself for your bad choices in your past, be kind to yourself, and choose to finally heal.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes