I finally got into see my family doc. He's starting me up slowly on my meds again, but now that I have them I run into the same old problem. Fighting with myself. I want to take my meds and feel better but then the thoughts start telling me I don't need to take them, I'm not crazy and the doctors just want to zombify me.
I know that I need the meds and I know they help me but the second I get them its a totally different story and a war every night just to consider taking them.
I'm petrified to take them and even more to not because my partner is threatening admit me if I don't take them. I understand where she's coming from and if someone was telling me some of the things I've said to her I'd probably want to do the same thing. But still it makes me mad at her that she would do that to me and it makes me scared now to open up to her, cause what if I say something to out there and she takes me in?
I've started keeping a rubber band on my wrist again... So now whenever I'm really upset I just snap it on my wrist over my tattoo so no one can see the welts and I'm snapping it too whenever I feel like I want to talk to someone about how I'm feeling. I know I shouldn't be doing that to keep me from talking but now I'm terrified if I talk to anyone that they'll lock my crazy *** up...