(I haven't really figured out what triggers people so I'll just put that little icon there. I briefly mention I cut this weekend.)

I need some insight or at least some encouragement from the long-timers. As you know, I’m new to seeing a T…35 years old and I’ve never been willing to talk to even a family doctor about some of the things going on. But I am now. I want help. I need help. I can’t do this alone. If I don’t get help, I’m going to end up dead.

Before my latest major problems, I have muddled through my life by avoiding thinking about some of the bad/hard things. (I’ve heard the term “stuffed feelings”- I guess that’s what I tend to do.) No, it hasn’t worked out so well when it bubbles up; those times have been really bad. But that’s been the way I deal with things. And at least when I am ignoring how bad those things hurt me, I don’t have to feel them. I could go through my days and not be thinking about it every freaking minute.

Well, now I’m seeing my T. And he is being so very cautious as he is exploring what has caused the last big breakdown and what issues from my past got me to this point. And while I feel like that should be comforting that he is being careful not to push me too hard, I find myself filled with huge amounts of dread for the time when we will start getting into the hard stuff.

I don’t want to drag this out forever. (I do, however, realize I may be in therapy for years. I’m not expecting to just talk about it once and be over and done. ) I found myself this weekend really struggling to turn around some really dark thoughts about harming myself. (I cut a little, but then told myself to pull it together and went and exercised instead. I was proud of myself for stopping. Turning around those thoughts was really hard.) I think most of those dark thoughts were stemming from fears about there being a prolonged amount of time where I am going to have to anticipate talking about these things. I KNOW it is going to hurt really, really bad to have to talk about the abuse/trauma/etc. other issues, but I just want to get into it already. I guess the best analogy I can think of is taking off a bandaid. I know that soaking it in water and letting it dissolve some should be more gentle on me. I know ripping the bandaid off will hurt like hell. But ripping it off will at least be faster. I won’t have to be filled with this awful feeling of dread for weeks and months. I just want to hurry up and walk through the fire so I can be on the other side already. I don’t like standing on this side and looking at the hot coals. It’s making me more and more afraid and wondering why I can’t go back to just stuffing my feelings most of the time. That doesn’t hurt so bad as having these thoughts in the front of my mind does.

I am deliberately choosing to trust my T and his professional ability to guide me through this at an appropriate pace. But my goodness. This wasn’t something I expected. Does this feeling of dread go away? Can I ask him to just start asking the hard questions already? In my head, I think am willing to face the pain of him really pushing me. Or maybe I really don’t realize how dumb that is and that it will be too much for me to tackle yet. I don’t know. Ugh. This is miserable.