I would like to say that I had a good mother's day, but I didn't. Even though I had a talk with my daughter last week and made an attempt to explain to her what the PTSD I have is and where it all goes back to and how I have days where I relive things I never imagined one could relive the way I am and how crippling it is. I thought maybe she understood just a little. Anyone who has PTSD knows how very hard it is to explain to others, how others can even be mean about it and can invalidate it as well.

Well, just like all the other holidays lately yesterday was a long day and my daughter never even called me to wish me happy mother's day. It was a clear message that I am to continue being punished for whatever I didn't do while raising her and yes, she still is going to invalidate what I am trying to tell her. And when we did talk I DID applogize and told her how much I always loved her and truely tried. And I can honestly say, I really did go above and beyond for her.

So, I was very hurt yesterday, all it takes is a phone call. I know I didn't raise her to be mean like this.

I tried very hard to tell myself it was just a day. Ofcourse my sister once again had MY mother pretty much the entire day so I didn't get to sneak in a visit with my own mother. But I did call her and tell her how much I loved her. Then my mother asked me if I heard from my daughter and being truthful, I told her that she didn't call. My mother gasped and thought it was terrible because my mother knows how much I gave to my daughter and how very hard I did work for what I gave to her. And my mother knows I was very unselfish with my daughter. Sigh...I find it all embarassing as well as feeling there must be something I did wrong to not even get a simple CALL?

Well, I tried to watch TV, and then I tried to take a nap, I really just wanted the day to end and just be yet another day I got over. I could not fall asleep, I kept having terrible thoughts as well. So, I got up and went out for a drive. That was not such a good idea because I drove to the beach and it was crowded and I could see the moms with their children and I remembered how I took my daughter there so many times for mommy and me times. I could see the vision of myself and my little cute daughter, I was pushing her on the swings and how we had fun. I could remember all the times we walked together on the sand bars and looked for shells too.

I could not stay at the beach so I drove around some more. I tried to go to a church I often go to and sit outside and pray to a cross hanging on the side of the church. But that church was crowded, so I went to another church where there was also a cross and I sat alone in the parking lot and for a while I didn't know what to say. Finally all I pretty much said was that I was tired and lost and must be failing at something to be going through what I am going through. I basically just cried for a while and then started getting that PTSD headache where it feels like my brain is being squeezed and I was tired and drove home.

I managed to get a couple of stalls cleaned to make them ready for the coming rain, I fed and the rest of the evening I just tried to again watch some TV, sit with my husband until I could finally go to bed.

So, no, I didn't have a good mother's day to be honest. And today I still feel tired.

Open Eyes