So my uncle died from cancer on Friday, I’m sure it was horrible for him and his family. He was only diagnosed 3 months ago, and now he is gone. I want to tell my therapist that while I feel bad for his family and him, I also feel envious of him, 3 months isn’t that long to suffer, I have been suffering for decades. And getting the time to get things in order, say your good byes and not leave anyone feeling guilty because you killed yourself seems so peaceful. Though I’m sure it wasn’t “peaceful” for him, I know he was fighting for every day, something I wouldn’t do, I would want to stay out of the hospital as long as possible and forgo treatments that would bring down the quality of the limited amount of time I had left even if that meant passing up treatments that had a slight chance of saving my life.

I know this is a VERY unhealthy way to feel, and should try to move to a more healthy outlook about this, but my therapist lost her sister to cancer a bit over a year ago, I don’t think I could make her listen to me explain how I somehow feel that my uncle was “lucky” to go out the way he did, knowing it would bring up so many unpleasant feelings in my therapist. Yes I know I should be worried about my feelings not hers but I can’t