It just feels like my life is going nowhere.....and nothing really matters. I mean I feel like even if I could hold a part time job I'd still have that same dead feeling inside. Like I feel like I'd still be in the same pain so what good would it do. Then of course I am just worried about how my ptsd and other issues would interfere with my ability to hold even a part time job.

I mean is it so wrong if I just want to cope with the fact I have PTSD and deal with that instead of trying to push myself to over-come it.

I mean I've never had it 'easy.' I've always tried so hard not to let things get to me I mean that's why instead of dealing with the PTSD when I should have I thought i could run away to college and distract myself with my studies and thus push it far enough inside it wouldn't effect me. And by that sort of thing I've burnt myself out so yeah I just don't even see what there is to improve. I mean even if I recovered from the PTSD I'd still be depresessed and anxious like I have been ever since I can remember.

So anyways I am thinking of applying for SSI.....not sure what I'll live on till I get approved, if I got approved but usually it takes months to get denied, then months to appeal then months for it to go through. At least I have my moms house and friends/family members places I am welcome to go and have access to food that's either offered or at my moms house just sucks being flat broke and feeling like a burden who has to rely on people for my basic needs. I am hoping if I can get the SSI then having a bit of money to contribute I might not feel as bad since I could at least kind of pay my way.

Just feeling really burnt out and it takes a lot of energy just trying to convince myself I'm not totally worthless even though for now all I feel I can hope for is getting on SSI and maybe a part time job a little further down the road. Or I guess there is always homelessness.