thanks, everyone. i appreciate your input.

i guess my #1 goal is to find a job as soon as possible. that will certainly improve my mood and give me a better outlook. for that, i will probably have to file complaints against two prior employers at whose offices i developed PTSD from harassment. today, i will email a career counselor to ask if he thinks he can help me. also, i have been contacted (a follow up call) by a counselor in a government office who has asked me to meet with her on wednesday about job hunting strategies. i will go. my SSDI application is still pending. the psych counselor i met at SSDI suggested that i fight my former employers who are giving me bad references (which, btw, is illegal). for some reason, i dread the battle. sitting down to write these complaints is very difficult. i am not sure why.

maybe, if i get a good paying job, i can resume therapy sessions. i don't know. my mind is all over the place and i am having trouble remembering what i'm doing from one minute to the next. it's very scary.

though i went to therapy diligently, i guess i was misleading myself that i would actually get better. there are so many things i need to work on. where to begin? i don't know. after a while, the T's insights for improving my life because fewer and fewer. my confidence is very low at the moment. i have an interview tomorrow to add some more volunteer work to my agenda. i figured it might help. it involves standing, which is a problem because of my bad feet. but, i like dealing with the public in short transactions. mentally, i don't have the focus to deal with long-term projects especially when there are more than one. my current mental state is very scary. also, i have taken out some old self-help books. i guess it can't hurt to read up on my issues. will i remember any of it? probably not.

socially, i am more isolated that ever. i am fearful of going to the gym or getting the mail or going to a bar. i don't understand why i am so frightened. i just am. chalk it up to bad experiences, i guess. i went into a bar a few days ago and could not bring myself to stay. i didn't feel like pretending to be happy and well-adjusted. for me, it's no fun. i had no idea what to talk about either. i guess i go to therapy because the only people i feel safe talking to are Ts. all i seem to thing about are my problems.