Ok here is how the email interactions went between me and T last night and today...
Would you ever take away your hugs because of something I tell you?*
If you were even thinking about not being my therapist would you let me know as soon as it became a thought? I need you to tell me truthfully-have you ever thought about dropping me? Even if it was just a passing thought-any of the times I thought of quitting was there any sense of relief
Also will you ever take away emailing? I mean it might be a good idea but I would just like to know if you would...and what would warrant that being taken?

This morning: *Ohh goodness I'm sorry for these emails-apparently at 2 in the morn I'm very insecure! It happened right after I let myself cry over not having a daddy-and I was actually able to let it out and calm myself-kinda a big deal for me : )
But then the fear snuck in and emails began...
Butttt i still think a positive move-I'm working really hard!!

T's response: Keep up the good work!!!
Mine: But seriously would you ever take away hugs for any reason?*
T: There isn’t a black and white answer to that.* I will try to explain more tomorrow. Is that fair?
Me:Ohh no : (Nevermind I'm not coming tomorrow
T:???
Me: I just don't see how a hug could be in question-I never thought you would even say there is a possibility of not-I'm just really upset that you would even say that-I don't want to come tomorrow to someone who would take something like that away for something-I can't imagine what I could do for you to not hug me...that just hurts really bad...
T: Delicate- I would never take hugs away if there weren’t compelling clinical considerations to do so.* I don’t know what they would be in our work together but I can never say never. There has been no reason thus far and I certainly hope that doesn’t change.* This is why having discussions through email is difficult.*

Then I said I wasn't coming then changes my mind and T said we should process this...ugg I'm just upset T should be able to say that unconditionally he would always hug me...blah-I hate this