Thanks for the hugs, I honestly really needed to get this off my chest. Last week really had so much that really triggered me. And though I really tried to somehow not let it get me down, well, it did.

Seriously, I really spent a lot to keep my daughter happy. I have not had a vacation really since my honeymoon will be 32 years ago come June. Everything I made went mostly into my daughter and to fix up our farm. I could have had quite a show place with all the money I spent on her. I did all the work on my home by myself. My home has long needed new siding as it is those cedar shingles that are falling off and black. I got up on a ladder 4 times and took an electric sander and sanded most of the house and took shingles left over from jobs my husband did elsewhere (he is a builder) and I replaced a lot of shingles. I don't know any woman that would do that.
I have a colonial that was built in the 60s with a yellow and green bathroom and I worked around those out dated colors by stenciling etc to make them look nice. But really the tile needs to be replaced and I really need the bathroom on the first floor gutted as the shower in it rotted away years ago.

Believe me, I went without so my daughter could ride and show. I went without a lot now that I think about it. I just don't know how she could not see it. I think she thought I was way stronger than I was. See, I did try to be a rock, someone had to do it, keep it together.

I wish I could put pictures here to show you everything. You would love the horse my daughter had, he is so incredibly beautiful and such a nice loving animal.

I can't help it if I am angry, I think that we can only store just so much anger before we finally just burst. And I have to be honest, I am very angry that even though I did try VERY hard and many times climbed out of the ashes like a phoenix, I never expected that instead of doing that, that I would be battling this dam disorder that no one gets. I find it triggery that even when I was dieing no one got that either, I am wondering what it takes before people around me realize that I REALLY AM STRUGGLING WITH SOMETHING "REAL" THAT i CAN HELP AND AM DOING MY BEST TO FIND A WAY TO RECOVER FROM.

What I have talked about here is only part of my struggles, I have been trying very hard as long as I can remember. I never expected my brain to have held on to so much like this.

I do tell everyone to be kind to themselves. I have risen up from many bad things in my life, so I know it can be done. This has proven to be one of the hardest things I have dealt with though. It just brings everything together to relive in a very different challenging way. Truth be told I was always somewhat afraid, but just kept trying anyway.

Open Eyes