Dude,

I am very new here but this is one subject where I have a lot of experience. Your feelings are your feelings. It is so important to allow yourself the joys and sadness of life. They go hand in hand, and if you lose one, you lose the other. When I was @ 6 my familiy moved, and I went from being a popular, straight A student to a loner who was barely passing. I hated my parents and my situation so I started to build that emotional shield you are looking for. All through high school I kept building and building. I can honestly say that I cant name more than 5 peope I graduated with. All because I had built this wall around myself. It was great, I couldnt be hurt, and was safe. I went to college for a while (didnt graduate) and had a blast. It was then I realized that the wall I built to keep the sadness out, was keeping happiness out and my love in. I realized that dating was hard for me because I had no idea on how to lower the walls to let someone in and my love out. When I would date a girl and it would go bad, I would jump back behind that wall and build it up even higher. So fast that I never really let myself be sad. The kicker is when I joined the USMC. They were so excellent for me in so many ways, but did far more damage. They reinforced the blocking of feelings and the emotional detachment that I have been working on my whole life. I never dated in the USMC, just had a few very casual relationships. I got out in 98 and have not been able to really build a strong relationship since.

Since I got out, I would get so lonely, wondering if I woud spend the rest of my life alone and get real sad and depressed. No big deal, just take those feelings and lock them away with the rest. It is so bad that when my father died in '97 I didnt even shed one tear. The sadness came welling up, but got locked away and I just moved on. I am in a relationship right now with a great girl. I started seeing a therapist when we first started dating (4 months ago) thinking the therapist would wave a magic wand and I would be normal. Wrong!! I think I love her, I have never really known what love is but maybe this is it. We broke up for a week and I was devasated, I am in a constant battle in my head trying to keep her. I have been able to cry for the first time in @ 25 years, thanks to the work of my therapist. I am trying so hard to be strong and stand on my own, but its like I am finally breaking down the walls of this emotional fortress. I walk out to meet her with my love in hand, and the first thing I realize is that the sun is blinding me and I am completely defensless, scared, and insecure. I dont know if she is the love of my life or the enemy coming to crush my love. But I have to try and stand here as long as possible and hope that she is coming to me to love me, not hurt me. Its the hardest thing I have ever done, much worse than USMC bootcamp. I big part of me thinks that we are heading to a break up, but atleast I am regaining the abilty to love and be hurt.

Your feelings are like a pressure cooker. You cant keep them in for too long. They need to be let out and expressed. Your heart is indestructible. It may seem like you are going to die at any moment but you will get better. I guess what I am telling you is that you dont want to build up that shield. Sure, protect yourself but never deny yourself the feelings of life, love, joy, or sadness. They are a huge part of us, and absolutely essential to make us who we are. I have so many years of pent up emotions, happy and sad that I want to bring out, and it is so difficult. I walk around in a daze sometimes because I dont know what to do about this relationship, and I am so insecure that I get paranoid about the relationship.

I am very sorry about going on so long, and telling you my life story, but do not wish what I am going through on anyone. I long to be loved, and to be sad. To cry for a lost relative, and to experience the joy of marriage. DONT LOCK YOURSELF UP!!! I am jealous of your ability to love another person. Find a girl, love her and give her everything you have. Stand tall and if she knocks you down, get back up, dust yourself off and keep going. You never know, the next time you get knocked down, Love might be there to pick you up and walk with you through life together. Again, sorry for ranting. Once I get going I have a hard time stopping. And listen to Ozzie! She has helped more than she knows in the short time I have been here. I have attached a story I wrote. When I met my girlfriend, I had a glimpse of what love could be and wrote this. I did it in one sitting and in only about 2 hours. I love sharing it, I hope you like it.

Mike