trigger- suicide talk-and childhood abuse of sorts i guess.

I don't have anyone to talk to right now- so why not write here on pc right?.. suppose to be support.

the last few weeks, months, hell whatever- i have been up and down, torn apart, lots of triggers from my own life...

I was feeling ok-ish today- annoyed with mother's day weekend- it does seem like i am effected more on the damn make believe holiday then the people celebrating it- and whatever- rejection feeling from my significant other (we are working on this and getting better)... I was annoyed with feeling judge from my significant other's parents- but that is a usual thing and to be honest i think there is a tid bit there and not all in my head as I get told. Annoyed that once again the tags for the car which are over due from March has gotten put off again- annoyed with my supervisor calling me an embarrassment, ashamed, and stupid and bluntly put that I don't belong at my position of work (been there for 5 years) annoyed with things but whatever- at least I was able to sit down and make some of my jewelery that I do as a hobby/side business...

Then i get a call from my older brother - the only one i claim to own from my family- we have had our journey together but we still talk once in a while.. he tells me that over the weekend he tried to commit suicide and he just got out of their 42 hour watch and that he was sorry he could not call me to let me know, his phone was dead and they wouldn't let him call anyone. I also find out that he went back to jail a week or so ago but those charges got dropped... he says he is going in to get help; he is going to try to get assistants for his bipolar....

I don't know how to take this news-- i weeped for a few moments after the call and then just felt empty inside again.

I wish I could take away his pain, I wish our childhood was different- (personally with me that has been something that is popping up a lot here lately with myself and having trouble dealing with).. undoubtedly i have been distant due to I have not been feeling well in my noodle with things (i.e how to get the shame off with csa, physical abuse, neglect, mind games, etc. from my childhood and disconnecting from my parents and only talking to about half of my siblings in a blue moon).... I wish i had my stuff together better so I could help him.

I don't know what to do besides encourage him to get help as I have been these last two years or so- I don't know what to do... I can't hang out with him that often due to i get absorbed so much with him- if I am already heading down a dark path of my own- we both can pull each other down pretty badly since we are close, we do care, and we know what one another is talking about and the experiences.. he's the only siblings, my sisters and I don't even talk like him and I do.. we are similar in many ways but yet different...
I can't take much of being shot down on how I try to stay up as well- i.e. all we can do is try some times- some times this makes him upset and he will attack my belief system on it- which then can tare me apart.

The saddest part of this is that last week when i was talking to a friend about my brother, i said i worry about him- i worry a lot some times - i worry cuz i could see out of the 6 of us kids, he is the one that i worry i will get a call to come identify his body one day,... the worry is now a little more real...

i can't fix this but I can't leave it either.

i guess just getting stuff out- i wish i had answer, i know no one does.