Today T and I were talking about nightmares. I've been having a lot this week.

I told her one recurring nightmare: crickets are pouring out of my mouth. I keep spitting them out, but there's always more, and I can't get them all out.

T says, Crickets make me think of silence. Like when a joke bombs and you hear crickets. It makes me think of all the silence pouring out of you. Of all the things you are holding in that are finding other ways of coming out, like your cutting.

Then she started talking about how nothing I could say would surprise her, she used to work with sex offenders, yadda yadda yadda.

I told T: Crickets are bugs. Bugs are vile and disgusting. It makes me think of vile disgusting things pouring out of my mouth and I can't get it to stop.

She looked kind of sad after that.

She said have you ever told anybody any of the thoughts you hate that make you want to cut? And I said yes. It didn't end well.

She said what happened?

And I didn't really say much.

And she said, if they reacted badly, if that's what you're worried about, that's not what going to happen here.

And I said, that's not what happened.

And she said what happened? I'm sitting here with the wrong impression.

And I said, I told him ONE of the bad thoughts, and the next week he came in, and said, we have one more session together and you're getting a new therapist.

and she looked SHOCKED. (Our first session together, 3 sessions ago, was with me, her, and him. He's getting licensed and then he's off to do something for the state, not seeing private patients).

She said, "He didn't mention anything like that."

I think she is going to call him and find out what I told him

so confused and conflicted.