I can't remember anything from today's session except ONE thing T said. My anxiety was so super high and I felt horrible and we went for a walk. So T stopped and he asked me, "lost...are you feeling calmer and more grounded right now walking with me?"

I did. I felt better being by his side. I always do. I wish that feeling would last forever. I wish this inner turmoil would end. T knows he couldn't do much to help me today, but he knew just walking with me would calm me enough to safely leave. I wish he knew how much I never want to leave. I wish he knew how much my inner kid, wants him to keep me safe and comfort me. My inner kid wants him to be my dad. My inner kid hates that I have to leave. I try every session to stay, but I can't and I hate it. Why did he have to show me what it's like to have everything I needed but didn't get? Why did he have to care? Why did be have to do it all right? Why can't he be my parent for keeps?

This is soo hard. This just keeps getting harder and harder it seems.