Thank you everyone for such kind words. They have helped more than you know. I guess I should be a little more specific on what set me off into the deep end... From the beginning...

In August I experienced my first ever seizure. It was a grand mal seizure. And while I admit I was idiotic for doing what I did, it really effected me. I decided to experiment with psychadelic mushrooms for my first time and an hour in I had a grand mal. I didn't go to the hospital until 3 days later. Once I went, they also sent me to a neurologist and all decided it was due to the mushrooms and that I was safe from another seizure. It took me nearly 6 months to get over the anxiety from that.

I believed the doctors. I had to or I never would have gotten over it. I started looking for distractions and was doing so well. So well. Back after the first seizure I was about 1/2 as anxious as I am now. But I would have panic attacks every time I went for a long car ride, any time I stood up and got dizzy I would have a panic attack, I even woke up vomiting from a panic attack. But I honestly got so much better by distracting myself and instead of focusing so much in my head, focusing on the world around me.

Then two weeks ago, around 6:45 am, just a normal morning of me getting up and getting ready for work. My boyfriend daughter and myself get in the car (my license was suspended from the seizure for 3 years so he has to drive) he was taking me to work. Not even 3 minutes down the road I started to lose focus and fade away. I tried to stay focused and even made a small comment about the sky to keep me with it but the next thing I know we are a few miles away and my boyfriend is freaking out yelling my name. I collapsed and fell into his lap. He had to hold me up while he was driving. I apparently just collapsed and stared blankly. Once he sat me up I stiffened and stayed stiff with my arms all twisted for a good couple of minutes before I came out of it. I started vomiting out the window instantly. We called 911 and went back and forth on the phone with the operator until I made it to the hospital.

The hospital couldn't tell me why. I had a CT that came back fine. The neuro is 300 just to get in and see him and I can't afford it. I had another seizure, something the neuro and the hospital in August told me I would not have again if I stayed away from mushrooms. I haven't touched them since...

I remember back after the first one, I was afraid to sleep. When I would start to nod off, it was a similar feeling to the seizure and I was terrified it would happen again. But the doctors assured me it was due to the mushrooms.

Now I just don't know what to do. I'm terrified that it will happen again. I went to apply for medicaide and they said I make 50$ too much a month. Their cut off for a single mom is 600 a month and my monthly income is 650. I found a couple of clinics that are willing to work with my pay. But the therapist at first didn't want to see me until he learned I had previous anxiety before the seizures.

At first the hospital gave me hydroxizine for the anxiety and that was it. Well they gave me Ativan through the IV but none to go home with. I don't have a doctor so when the hydroxizine stopped working and I was waking up every hour shaking horribly, I returned to the ER just 2 days later. They gave me Ativan and nausea medicine since by this time my appetite from the anxiety was completely gone.

They gave me 10 Ativan so 3 days later I was back in the ER when the Ativan was out and I still wasn't able to eat. I lost about 15 pounds by my 3rd ER visit. They gave me Hydroxizine again... My appetite is somewhat back and I've gained about 5 pounds back from being able to hold some things down but it's still not where it should be and I still have to force feed myself.

The third visit, the hospital sent up the psych doctor. She evaluated me and determined I was well enough to not be hospitalized but she thankfully referred me to a therapist I can afford. She told me to go back if it didn't get better and check myself in for a couple of days. I've thought this over so many times since, the thought of being around doctors for a few days is kind of reassuring but I'm a single mom, I can't afford to lose my daughter so I'm sticking with going to the therapist.

I'm sure not many will read this entire post but I felt it necessary to explain the whole situation. While seizures are not necessarily life threatening besides the injuries you may get from falls and such but it's so scary. I've had blackouts my whole life, blackouts that last from an hour to a year depending on the circumstance but nothing like this. Nothing where when coming back from it, I know something unright has happened to me.

My family is full of hypochondriachs, my Grandmother and Aunt are the worst. They have tumors, cancer and anything else terrifying you can imagine on a regular basis. Perhaps this is where my big fear comes from, but the thing is, it's not just a fear, it's actually happening too...

I've had, in the last 3 years, approximately 7 near death experiences. Not to mention other traumatic events that have taken place. Despite all of this though, I am an anxious person anyways. But since all of the scary moments have been happening, I've been trying to be more careful to not put myself in dangerous positions. But my fear is that my own head is now one of those dangerous places...

In the last 3 years, while driving over railroad tracks (before losing my license) I barely missed getting hit by a train by just a couple of inches. The railroad light must have been broken because there was no warning. Unconveniantly there were trees blocking the view of the tracks until you were just feet from the track. Last minute decision to hit the gas instead of the brakes saved my life by just inches. my car brakes stopped working with my daughter in the back seat. I was on the interstate and a large truck in front of me slammed on their brakes. My car, I pushed the break to the floor and got nothing. The gas pedal was stuck, I had to use my foot to quickly pry the gas pedal from the floor. Somehow, we made it and the brakes started to work again.

So fast forward a year and I get into a car accident. Going 55 I wake up to a semi (my boyfriend was driving) headed right at me. Car started to spin and ran into an Explorer. The tow truck was in our lane but he fled the scene. The Explorer flipped a few times and us in the little hatch back, we thankfully were ok.

The next day my boyfriend gets arrested (all charges dropped thankfully) due to a false accusation. A couple months later my boyfriend and myself find ourselves waist deep in February in the river running from a large pack of dogs that cornered us and our only option was to take the water. (Mind you I have a terrible fear of dogs). Then same week we see a fatal accident, seeing that girl in the car, unmobile was so horrifying. I've seen open caskets and all but this was something else, with her friend out side of the car screaming and crying. This was before the cops even showed up. The seizures to top all of this off and I know I'm missing some other things including a few close calls in the car....

I just don't know what to do any more. I've had my fair share of stressful events, having a druggy dad I was bound to. I've had numerous life threatening events where I almost didn't make it out, but I'm trying to put myself on the right track. I'm trying to free myself from all of that and still somehow chaos follows me...

I couldn't count how many traumatic events I've experienced, not if I had all day to try. By the time I was 14 my therapist asked me to write out all of those traumatic events, the letter ended up being 13 pages printed single space 12 font. That was 10 years ago and I've had equal ammount of stressful events since. But I've been doing so well...

I used to embrace my anxiety, my fear saved me from being suicidal. It still does, I would never consider it but... I can't accept it like I used to, it's hard to be thankful for it when I just can't even be myself because of it any more...

I try distractions and sometimes it works... But lately it's been much less effective. I've been in and out of therapy for 10 years and in all honesty, I was and am ready to be out of it for good, but I guess my body isn't and I guess I really am not myself ready because here I am again...

Sorry for writing so much, if you took the time to read it, sorry for blabbing so much... I'm just so on edge. It's so hard to ignore my fears when I know that a part of my fear is legitimate... I just don't know how to handle a fear that I will possibly have to face for the rest of my life... I just don't know...