Thank you all so much for your replies...and it helps to see that some have shared in this experience...and I think it does come down to an issue of abandonment-and it also for me comes down to unconditional love...I thought that T would be able to take me just as I am-no matter what I said or thought or felt...even if it was about him...he should be able to handle whatever it is I bring-because it is all me...and I shouldn't have to worry that something would one day bring about a change in our relationship-especially the hugs-omg it hurts so much to write this...
He has talked about loving your clients-a different kind-but apparently that does not include unconditional love-or at least unconditional hugs-I thought about how his kids could never do anything to not have him hug them and it just breaks me heart-I will never have that-I mean I have that with my mom-but all I ever wanted was this from a man...I don't want to have to worry that someday I could say or do something that will have him not hug me-the little girl inside of me does not understand this at all-apparently things can be my fault and I can cause people to change how they treat me-okay I can't think about this anymore tonight...gah : (