29 years ago, when I was 18 I went to al-anon with a friend. It was a teen group and there were a couple of moderators. P was one, he was in his late 30's at the time. He was really good to talk to, and most of us "kids" liked him a lot. I had his phone number so I called him one night after dad beat the heck out of mom, it was about 1am. He had me meet him somewhere and we went driving in his car. I was scared, and crying. We ended up at a hotel, and were intimate. Carried on this affair for a few mos. I was so humiliated and embarrassed by it. I managed to break it off with little repercussions.

Pathetic story that I never think about...but it's been in my head a few weeks. The shame is significant. P wasn't a T or a teacher or anything, just a horny guy who saw an easy target. It isn't like the abuse I had as a child...that was obviously abuse. This is a little weirder, I was 18, I consented.

I think this is what holds me back from T. I can't tell him about it because I don't think of him that way at all...and I don't want him thinking that way of me. I didn't think of P that way either, but I was afraid to say no to him.