Well Hellion, I can understand your struggle, and I know what you mean about being told that it will get better when all the while it is getting worse, that was my year last year, so I hear you. I don't even know how I managed last year to be honest because even though I was trying so hard, my symptoms were the devil to deal with and so incredibly crippling. And I did not have the real understanding that I needed from family members either, it was very hard on me. I think PC saved my life as there were people here that supported me in different ways. Some people didn't even know how important they were to me being able to just get through my days. Many of my days were spent pounding away here, not really talking about my personal struggle, I spent a lot of time answering questions and reading and commenting on different things put up by some members. I found that I needed to just process and I did utilize things I had learned how to do while I struggled pretty much all my life.

Later on, when I spoke to a woman who's job is to go around the country and direct different facilities with trama work, I was told that what I was doing was very good for my brain. All day long I was tormented by horrible anxiety and off and on flashbacks with terrible headaches and I was incredibly lonely as I mentioned my family truely didn't understand how bad it really was and my husband would even comment that he was tired of it. I found myself constantly appologizing and also very thankful that my husband worked two jobs so that he was not around me constantly to observe how crippled I really was. And when he WAS around he triggered me constantly by all his negetive remarks and often it would take days for me to recover from when he was around.

I had a constant desire to JUST GET A TIME OUT OR A BREAK SOMEHOW, but I never truely got it, I was actually dealing with an attorney who was constantly messing up scheduled depositions and it was a constant demand to remember something my brain was trying so very hard to forget. I was being asked to stay in a trama that I really needed to be done with, to move on and truely say, it is over and in my past.

I was not making it when it came to paying on the debt owed to address the damaged animals, and to try to come up with funds for therapy as well as feed for my remaining animals. And I tried to reach out to my mother for some financial help and my sister would call and go on and on about "THINGS CANT BE ABOUT ME AND MY PROBLEMS AND THAT "SHE" CONTROLLED MY MOTHER'S FUNDS". And then my father made it a point to come and see me and give me a long lecture on HOW I HAD TO LEARN TO FORGET AND PUT THINGS IN THE PAST. He talked about a box with eyes and another box with no eyes and how I had to learn how to put bad things in the box with no eyes. He didn't understand that with the PTSD that was going on in my brain, IT DOESN'T WORK.

And yes, I would drag myself to therapy, often completely exhausted by the time I sat in front of the therapist. And yes, I heard how I would get over it and things would get better and sometimes I wished that the therapist could experience what I was dealing with, what it felt like to struggle with PTSD. Yes, he had all the reading, and study behind him, but the reality was HE HAD NEVER FELT IT HIMSELF.

I was on quite a hell ride last year and not being understood presented me with hellish flashbacks and horrible headaches and complete exhaustion. But I still had to get up and care for my horses and do my best to hang onto what I had left that was my lifes work in so many ways. And there were many days where I would lose track of time too. I would sit at the computer and 3 or 4 hours would pass when I thought it was only maybe a half hour? Wow that scared me too.

And to top it off, a pony that got so upset from running around frightened by the dog had coliced (that is digestive upset which can be fatal for a horse/pony) and never really recovered. Last year she got sick again as she had done quite a few times after the major colic (she had damage to her system) and after 9 days of tending to her day and night, I had to finally euthanize her. So again, the damage was still not over. I see the damage EVERY SINGLE DAY which keeps me IN THE TRAMA that I want so badly to be OVER.

I hear you Hellion, yes I do know it gets worse too, but I kept going to therapy just the same and I am doing better this year than I was last year. I cannot say I am healed as I still stuggle and I am STILL DEALING WITH DAMAGE, BILLS, A LAWSUIT AND FAMILY THAT ARE ACTUALLY MEAN TO ME in their ignorance of what it means to struggle with PTSD. BUT, I have gained some ground so I DO know that while it is a lot of work, one can GET STRONGER and DO BETTER.

I hope you get the help you need. At least know that there are others that DO understand the struggle and can say, keep trying, I hope you get what you need, please have patience and keep trying.

((((hugs))))
Open Eyes