Yeah I'm still doing my best not to totally lose it...and not to totally isolate myself(even though I feel like it would be better for everyone if I did, so they don't have to deal with me.) But other then that its like there's nothing there...I mean I spend time with friends and family and though I might be interacting and contributing to the conversation or whatever I just feel numb and dead inside.....but yeah I don't think it would have been appropriate to respond to 'so how are you?' with something like 'dead and numb feeling, in fact I think I'm going to have a beer so I'm a little more friendly and calm.' At Mother's Day lunch at my moms house. I did have a couple beers and a little wine but everyone else did for the most part to so it wasn't out of place and thus I did not have to explain why I was drinking it.

Also for the time being I think I would rather focus on diagnoses and SSI than therapy, I mean therapy can be nice I guess but for one, one has to afford it or find someone that doesn't charge a fee for people with no money but then getting to a therapy session every week would be another issue...due to not having money for the bus and maybe not being able to schedule a ride from someone. And I can't really think of anything i would want to talk to with a therapist about that I wouldn't prefer talking about to a close friend or family member. A diagnoses would be very helpful though because maybe it would help with finding more resources and it would help with the SSI thing.

I suppose I just find it depressing that I'm 22 and my goal is get on SSI in the hopes that maybe I can live on that for a wile and have some time to actually try and figure out some sort of plan of what to do in life. Also I just don't know how a lot of people in my family are going to take that knowledge as I am sure I'm going to have to give some sort of explanation as to if I am still looking for work, going back to college, going to a technical school, or have a job. So that's kinda stressful to as I don't really do a very good job of standing up to judgements people might make about me.