My T fiasco continues. I am in a really despairing place

Some of you know that T and I recently had a rupture where she abruptly re-drew some boundaries. We have been slowly but surely moving on from it and I was starting to regain some sort of footing.

Today was deeply sad. I don't know exactly how it happened but I was in a place of overwhelm (life stuff) and wanted to sit with my feelings. T seemed to react badly to bringing in a kiddie blanket for the first time in a while. I find it comforting. She looked sort of disappointed...I realised I wasn't wrong about her reaction when she told me, later in the session, that she found it hard seeing me look so powerless when I had so much strength.

I didn't feel strong. I wanted her to sit with me. That was all.

I was totally shut down for 80% of the session or so. T normally tries to get me out but she just left me in that state of fear. I couldn't move, speak or cry. All I could feel was how disappointed T was in me. To make it worse, I had written something from my child self to her and felt a combination of terror and shame about giving it to her. At the end I did manage to. She didn't say a lot. I just feel stupid now.

I feel a complete failure really. I wanted so much for T to sit with those feelings...not to baby me...just to sit there. She kept saying that I felt she wasn't who I thougth she was but I wasn't thinking that. I hadn't been focussed on our rupture today. Other stuff was going on, most of which I wasn't able to tell her.

The sad thing was right at the end. I said 'You do care about me don't you?' T didn't give me an answer. She said we would discuss it next week including my reasons for asking. Then I told her that I always knew prior ts had cared but I was never sure she did. T said it was related to our dynamic. Then I left.

It was probably the saddest ending I have ever had

I'm wondering whether T is right. My past is in the past. I'm not experiencing flashbacks. I talked about my past a lot with first T. A lot of my issues relate to the present. I'm wondering if I'd be happier without therapy? I feel I need some support but nothing could be worse than feeling like this. I feel like I'm dying after sessions sometimes, the pain is so unbearable. I just want someone to care that's all...is it wrong to want that? To ask someone? I don't want to go back. If I started seeing another T those feelings would come up again I know and perhaps I'd just be healthier without all this.

Even worse, I wonder if I made a big mistake starting therapy again a year ago after the ending with former T. Perhaps I was okay then and I've just screwed up again...like I always do. I want and need too much and it ends up like this.

Things haven't been okay since the rupture although I was hopeful I wpuld start to stabilise again. Now I just want to go really. I can't deal with this or my life as it is.

I wish someone would accept me for who I am..all of me...whether I'm in the dark or not, hiding under a blanket or not, writing stupid notes to T or not. I wish I didn't feel such a hopeless failure always after something I can't have.