((((RainbowRoad)))),

We have a lot in common, I used to be the strong one as well and I used to help others so much too. But Rainbow you broke somehow, but that doesn't mean you can't now be strong for YOU. Hey, I lost a good friend too and it wasn't really my fault, I broke and she could NOT understand it. Don't be hard on yourself for these things, yeah, I know it is hard not to, but you are doing nothing wrong.

When I got diagnosed with PTSD I had no idea how bad it was going to be for me. I began with depression too and then got to the next stage where I endured a lot of flashbacks. I could not understand it, thought I had overcome or made peace with my past too. Yes there was a conscious and an unconscious that I had never really truely realized. It has taken me a year to get where I am now and the only one that remotely understands it is my husband and that is only because he sat with my therapist and one of his own a few times. For me it was a tramtic event that took a lot away from me. And I was just beginning to feel the happiness of SO MUCH hard work. What was destroyed was my worst fear and I now know why on a very different level that I only knew unconsciously and yet almost consciously too.

It sounds like your husband loves you and is worried, no, they don't understand it and yes they are going to need help with that. I think that is the hardest part for me, how other people do NOT understand it and I am constantly trying to explain it. I took a lot of time and came here and read a lot of different things about PTSD as well. I sure went through a lot and it does ease up with time. I try to tell those that are where I was when it started to do their best not to feed into the negetive emotions it presents. Yes, it presents all the feelings you are discribing. But you CAN work through this and regain an even better understanding of yourself and other people that many do not learn.

Please come and keep in touch here ok? Don't hide out in shame, because there is not much you can say that others here don't experience as well.

I am not going to tell you I am all better, but I have been through enough where I have learned that the PTSD activity that can take up your days and even make you want to isolate WILL ease up after a while. Yes, you may need to let some rage rip and get angry and short tempered and frustrated and probably appologize constantly.
I did that constantly and YES, at times I was unpredictable too. But the time has come for you to face it and truely work THROUGH it so you CAN finally come out the other side and be strong again. No, it is not nice to feel so fragile, but give yourself permission to say, IT IS OK IF I FEEL FRAGILE AND NEED TO TAKE TIME for ME. And Rainbow if you deni yourself that right, THERE IS A REASON FOR THAT YOU NEED TO EXPOSE TO YOURSELF AND FACE.

You know what the bottom line was for me? I mothered everyone else BUT MYSELF.
Yes I was strong, because I HAD to be many times, more times than I wanted to be in my life. But somehow I gained my happiness through others, not intentionally mind you, it was more that deep inside I didn't think it would work for me or that I could be or that if I was, something would happen that would ruin it. My work in therapy was to finally expose that depth of me that I hid mostly unconsciously in ways I had not truely recognized.

It is amazing the things that we can wall off unknowingly when we are victims of CSA.
I don't know about you but I always felt like I was missing something, not quite good enough somehow, behind as if I somehow missed first grade or the basics of something. I really never could understand it until what was hidden in my brain came out for me to relive. I can see it much better now, and it DOES HURT and I am finally grieving what I am seeing that made me feel I had missed something somehow. Oh, I could pick it out in others in an unconscious way too, intuitive, I was VERY intuitive, almost like I had ESP sometimes. Yes I was a good guardian to my daughter too, and because she was so very loved and safe as a child, NO CSA, I made sure of it, she is not anywhere near having the intuition I have. She even resents me for seeming to know so much, and misunderstands me for not quite being STRONG ENOUGH this last time. Yes, I am very misunderstood because I have stepped up to the plate many times and been strong, though all the while I was really frightened a lot. Sure I somehow knew the amount of strength needed and that I was the ONLY one that saw it as well. But that didn't mean I wasn't afraid at the same time.

Remember something Rainbow, YOU ARE HUMAN AND HUMANS MAKE MISTAKES sometimes. Now you are going to HAVE TO take time and care for yourself, no matter how guilty you feel about it. That guilt is there for a reason as I mentioned and it is time for you to take care of YOU and finally address it. And Rainbow, it is going to take time, so learn to be patient.

Yes, I think it is ok that you are going to see a therapist who helps patients with CSA. I am sure this therapist is aware of the PTSD that results from this history.
Please keep sharing here and remember, even though you feel like you are alone, YOU ARE NOT.

((((Hugs))))

Open Eyes