I saw T today, and this time my H and I just came back from our minitrip, which turned out to be a lot of fun! So, much of the anger and jealousy of my T's trip disappeared because I had my own "good stuff" happen. It wasn't Europe or anywhere too exciting, just a road trip to the next state with friends, but it satisfied me. T and I talked about that, and how I could make those good times happen. I didn't plan this trip; my friend did, but I could do it too.

We did EMDR for only about 45 minutes because I spent so much time talking about my trip! The negative cognition was "I'm powerless" and it was about the feeling when someone tells me they're going away. I still used my T's trip because I know that I'm okay right now, but I know it doesn't last, and thinking about her going away again (she isn't for a while) made me anxious.

I still say I don't do EMDR too effectively because I can't float back to scenes when my T asks me to. I thought of a couple of things, one being when my Mom told me her friend died in a car crash right after my H and I were going on a driving trip. Or, maybe we called from the motel (no cell phones in those days) and she told me. I know she said she didn't want to spoil our trip, but thought she should tell us. I also thought of when I wanted to be a Girl Scout but I didn't because I knew I could NOT sell G.S. cookies. I would be too shy to ring doorbells and talk. Then I thought of how I wanted to be a Candy Striper (volunteer in a hospital) during HS but I would have had to go to the dr. and I didn't want to.

Now that I think of it, I WAS powerful and I did make choices but I was unhappy because I wanted to be able to do those fun things but felt like I couldn't for my own reasons.

Anyway, then I thought about my T leaving on her trip again and felt this tightness all over. I said "I don't want you to leave me". I don't feel safe.

Our session was almost over so I had to go to my "safe place", the beach. I can do that very quickly now. I'm not going to try and figure it out.

The best part of the session was when my T brought out the One Child book I gave her. We didn't have time to read it together so I said "maybe I'll take it home." She said, no, she wanted to keep it with her in the office. She said it has meaning for me so we're going to read it, or maybe she will read it.

That made me feel like she's holding me. Silly I know. I also know that it's not a big mystery of why I like the book. The teacher has a special relationship with the child she's helping and I want that too. She's 6 and that's an important age to me too.

I was exhausted during my session and didn't feel too much. We didn't hold hands or hug. I felt close to my T without either. I want to do a lot more EMDR and hope that I can start finding some answers or at least get unstuck.