Quote:
Originally Posted by Hellion
Well I see your point and your right about a lot of it, and I suppose I am glad there is some knowledge about PTSD out there. but what I'm saying is I am too exausted and burnt out...I don't have any energy to recover from the PTSD with so I just want to cope with the symptoms but I am in no place mentally to try and push myself to recover from it......I can't deal with the frustration of failing at that.
and I guess I just don't see what is so great on trying to get on SSI...even that's got stigma attached to it because what tax payers want to pay for some 22 year olds disability check? But that is the only thing other then talking to someone to try and be diagnosed or whatever I can think to try and if that does not work I just don't know what to do. I know I have some people who care and can understand somewhat but I feel so bad being the broke friend/family member who never has money to contribute.
Also though I've gone to therapy.....and I can't see what good it does, I mean I don't see how a therapist can fix any of this. I mean its not just PTSD i have to struggle with I've been depressed and excessively anxious ever since I was a child not to mention I was singled out and bullied a lot even by teachers when I was going to school so any self confidence I might have been born with was shattered and I never had a chance to build any back up....there may have been a chance if I didn't have PTSD but that really screwed things up even more. I was in therapy for depression and a suicide attempt before I got PTSD being told things like 'it gets better.' and just their advice to help me cope and slowly start recovering. Well things didn't get better and I can't take it seriously when people tell me that because my experiance has been the opposite. I hate that though because then people just berate me for being so negative and accuse me of being too lazy to try.
Anyways sorry to be such a downer...I just am pretty stressed since I have to really try to get on SSI and dealing with legal stuff like that stresses me out so I am worried about having to appeal I mean I am not very good at convincing people looking for every reason to deny me that they should in fact help me. Then I could go through that all and still get denied.....and I just don't know. Also I hope its not too late to defer my college loans.....I am supposed to call and defer it but calling those things makes me anxious but I guess i have to try. But if its too late I can expect to have some collection agency on my back I suppose which will do wonders for my paranoia, anxiety and stress level.
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It is insane how much of that makes so much sense to me, it's like you wrote down my toughts. Scary.
I can tell you one about the job part. Right now I'm rightfully employed and struggling BAD with my PTSD and my job. It's sort of a horrible place as it is, but with my condition it's like I'm torturing myself on daily basis to the point my health is taking a bad toll. I've been on it for almost 3 years and I tell you that I feel just like you just explaned going on SSI, such a hassle, such stress and I can't understand for the life of me what's the point of busting my *** off when all that matters is the paycheck for all the bills and I'm short with all of it.
The frustration goes beyond words to me. I don't care what my family thinks at this point because I've been on both sides of it, and it doesn't make it any better that you would go this route and try to please everyone else with a job you hate, on top of it all, in a hateful and horrible place that will accentuate your PTSD.
I had a point somewhere, sorry I feel like I can't even concentrate well at all anymore.
All I wanted to get through is that, when your PTSD is bad I guess it sucks either way. And therapy only works if you want it to work, I've been in and out of it but fact is, it's hard for me to realize any progress when I move forward one step then I feel all suicidal in a second because of - whatever triggered me - and then it's like back to square one.
Do what doesn't hurt you.
If you can't handle a job for right now then just don't. The oucome of forcing yourself (I did) is far much worse in my humble and truly biased opinion.