Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceriane
My issue is more to do with health issues and how they destroyed my libido, how I felt about my body and the fact that I have also had a lot of pain in that area so a lot of the time it's out of the question....so completely different....
|
I don't have any condition but I relate to that feeling. It feels like something was taken away from me before I have the chance to even own it. I, also feel great shame about myself.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceriane
But my other issue is of being controlled by someone else...ie feeling under obligation to them....almost like a fear of rape...that that person has rights over you etc....when I feel it's completely mutual, no pressure etc I'm fine with it....even if I do have to fake being in the mood....at least I'm faking it cos I want to not cos the guy is going to throw a strop or leave me if I don't....I get screwed up about this....can you relate....or is it more to do with guilt....
|
I've noticed recently something else about myself. I don't refuse to people (not about sex but almost anything). If there is anyway I can do what there are asking me I will do it even if I don't want to, so they will not dislike me, or at least I will avoid being in a situation where we can argue or fight or something else that might cause me great anxiety. That also makes me feel bad about myself, but refusing makes me feel guilty. What I can say is that every time I've been with a men it was not only NOT initiated but me, but because the would literally plead for sex, and I refuse but they will continue and I don't like being in the position of refusing (the bad guy) so at the end I will agree, because my two options are to agree or never see that person again. (it's just the way i feel about the situation)
Another thing is I do have some desire for sex, but I c an never imagine it with real person. It feels like I'm abusing them, at the same time when I am with a person it feels against my will.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceriane
I'm almost the opposite....can't imagine feeling guilty about sex....but I have felt guilty about NOT wanting sex....worry about letting the other person down....that they'll get bored etc...even though it's not my fault it's cos of health stuff.
Could your issue be similar.....to do with being controlled by a man as though you are a lesser being to him.....rather than a guilt thing?
|
Yes, I think that sounds very accurate, it's just that me letting them down is because of me, not of health stuff. I think I have a huge issue with myself and my body.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceriane
Then I have other issues, more OCD like....such as "Do I really even fancy men? Do I feel like this cos I'm really gay? Should I be having a relationship with a man in the first place? Am I really suppressing my true sexuality?" etc etc etc.....
My mind is a messy place.....
|
And yes, a lot of worrying thoughts as well. It's awful. It's like two people constantly arguing!!!
Thank you (and to the other people that posted in this topic). It has helped me realize some things I haven't noticed before about myself. Also thank you for sharing your experience, I feel bad that you are in similar position, it must be even worst. I would imagine I would feel angry and powerless having health issues that prevent me from normal relationships. Is there any possibility that you will get better?