(((RainbowRoad)))),

When I was first diagnosed with PTSD it was after a visit in a psychward where I was really in shock because of how I had to face so much loss and I could not handle any more. Even though I showed ALL THE RED FLAGS that should have CLEARLY said that I was in shock, I was misunderstood and my psychward stay only ADDED to my already being in shock to breaking me down even more.

After I was finally released from the psychward I did some outpatient therapy and also went to see a pdoc. I was told that I should have NEVER gone to the psychward and it was the WRONG place for me to go. But even though I was given that, I was still misunderstood. I had no money to continue therapy and basically went on to continue being misunderstood and even punished for every weak moment I experienced. I had to continue in a hypervigilant state so I could continue addressing so much damage. I didn't even know I was going back into hypervigilance, I didn't even know what hypervigilance was either.

Once I got things to a point where it had settled down, I went into the depressive stage of PTSD. I had thought that what PTSD meant was that I had to take extra time to grieve. I struggled to do anything, and I didn't have much desire, and I was just tired too. I kept waiting for me to regain my strength again like I had done so many times before in my life. I had no idea that I was progressing into something that was going to be what I feel as the biggest challenge yet.

My family kept pushing me to GET WITH IT and jump up like I had always done. But I could not seem to do it, I WAS SO TIRED. My daughter especially was pushing me hard and even picking on me whenever I went to take a nap. I wasn't sleeping well and was also taking Klonopin, which in itself is a sedative and as I have found out, interupts with the brains natural way of producing seretonin. So even though I was taking something to help me sleep and reduce the anxiety attacks, it was aiding in the depressive stage of PTSD as well.

My daughter was working at home and often as I knew she was at home and could watch over things, I felt like I could let go and just try to nap and feel safe like I could let go of the hypervigilance. I was kind of inbetween being depressed and still hanging on to some hypervigilance too. But I didn't know that then. I was also dealing with A LOT OF ANGER from all the damage and I still had not figured out where to PUT THAT ANGER. There was something way back in my past that was much like my efforts to rest while having a presence that made me feel safe where I could let go of being hypervigilant. But I had no idea that was in my subconscious or a way of me having built some kind of a way to seek safety somehow.

That year my daughter was trying to help train new and untrained ponies and I had a couple of children and a woman coming out and working the animal in exchange for lessons. I also had a shipment of hay come in that was loaded with a poisenous plant. I was the designated hay sorter who would sit for hours sorting through hay to try to pick out this plant so no horse would get poisened. I found myself catering to people coming out at THEIR convenience and my daughter was taking over more and more too. And then everyone went on vactions and I was left with all the work too.
Even my daughter went to Portugal for two weeks with my in laws. Though I was happy for her to get away, I WAS STILL STUCK ADDRESSING THE DAMAGE AND DOING. Basically I was kind of servicing other people constantly at THEIR CONVENIENCE. AND, I was constantly up in a very HOT hayloft sorting through hay to make sure it was safe to feed. I was constantly on the phone with the hay dealer as well requesting that he replace the hay and he kept putting me off. It ended up taking 8 months of constantly nagging this dealer before I got the tainted hay replaced. And forget legal action as there are no regulations on hay in this whole of USA. I had kept going and buying hay I could feed so I didn't have to spend so much time sorting but it was hard because the finances were very poor. And my daughter never contributed to that either, she just took advantage knowing I would not feed HER horse bad hay.

The finances were not good and my daughter had a good job and COULD have helped out. I had asked her to help out as well and all she did was give my husband $100 once. And I just kept getting more and more tired too. And when my daughter told me to take a vacation, all I could think of in the back of my mind is that if I DID take any kind of vacation, my husband would think it would mean sex, which was something I COULD NOT DO OR EVEN THINK ABOUT due to not only my past but my husbands infedelity that honestly made me not feel safe sexually. I had this game where he thought it would eventually happen but to be honest, I hid the fact that this part of me was truely ruined. AND, I had a terrible scar from my life saving surgery where my body cavity was opened up to irrigate it from the toxins all around my organs. And actually that whole process along with all the needles and IV's stuck in me, left my body VERY SENSTIVE and I was actually PHYSICALLY TRAMATIZED. I didn't even know that either. And I was also afraid to leave the farm in fear that something more bad would happen if I did so. So actually I was depressed and tired and trying to let go of the hypervigilant state as well. I was not doing very well at it and I didn't even know what I WAS actually addressing.

Towards the end of the Summer one day while the front door was constantly slamming as we have an old metal dutch type screen door that was noisey I was hung over from the Klonopin like I was EVERY MORNING and trying to answer inquires about my business on the net and the noise of the door did something to me. Each time it slammed shut my body filled with anger. Finally my body was consumed with RAGE and I experienced what is called a WHITE OUT. I went to my daughter in rage and told her how she was not helping out and that she was pushing me too hard and she needed to leave. Then, in so much rage I scribbled out charges for board for her horse and rent for her room and the use of the cable service etc. I could NOT stop the RAGE that had filled me up.

My daughter ended up going out, finding an apartment and a place to board her horse without my knowing. One day while my husband and I were out doing jobs she had people come to our home and move her out and I didn't know WHERE she went.

For a while I could not understand WHY I could not control the rage that day. I asked everyone I knew and got all kinds of answers right down to the angels taking over my body to do what needed to be done and that my daughter was not helping and was actually taking advantage of me and it was high time for her to leave. Nothing anyone said to me made sense and I just could NOT understand WHY I lost it. And I felt like a horrible person.

A kind of friend that I had down the street had talked to my daughter and knew where she was and called me a narcisist and told me to get help. So I searched for a therapist and I did have a diagnosis of PTSD that I somehow looked for a therapist that specialized in PTSD. And as I worked with this therapist he began to use a workbook and tell me about PTSD and how it was effecting me. And one day he gave me a page from the workbook that talked about coping/soothing methods in a list. And when I read the list I could see how many of these methods I had really used already. As I noticed that a strange thing happened in my brain too. All I can discribe is it was like one of old time movie type viewers that were like photographs that flipped into what looked like a movie. And in that moment my brain flashed all these pictures very quickly that went all the way back to my early childhood. And all I remember is thinking how I had used these very things discribed on this list ALL MY LIFE.

That was the beginning of my experiencing flashbacks. And I was truely puzzled by these intrusive visions that took me over. I can remember thinking how I remembered these things and wondering WHY this was happening. And I learned about them in therapy, and the therapist was not that good and had unbelievable problems of his own as well. I had to finally stop seeing him, but these intrusive flashbacks kept coming and getting worse too. And I was getting worse as well and I grew frightened by it.

I began looking for a support group and a new therapist and that is how I stumbled upon PC. I had known I had this strange disorder and also that I was a VERY MISUNDERSTOOD PERSON. So when I joined PC I decided that I would just be me and see if I could find out HOW AND WHY I WAS MISUNDERSTOOD. And from the moment I came to PC I was so moved by so many people who were in so much pain.
I just started answering the quesitons and reading and I was writing LONG POSTS.
And the whole time I was sitting at the computer I was shaking and consumed with anxiety and the only thing that helped me with that was the time I spent just reading and typing supportive answers and my thoughts one word at a time. I didn't know why t helped me, but it did. But I have to say, everything I wrote was like a locomotion of thoughts. I would have not even noticed had it not been for a couple of members pointing it out to me.

For some reason I could NOT discuss my own issues, but only could talk about the damage to my horses and ponies and that I was diagnosed with PTSD. Somehow I NEEDED to just problem solve and help others. It was just what my brain wanted to do and I followed along. And finally I did talk a little and it never felt right, I felt vey exposed and also felt like I was giving the bad things POWER somehow. And now that I look back, I was really trying to find my way back to that strong person in me that seemed to be able to rise out of the ashes so many other times in my life.

And when I did talk about my issues, I STARTED TO BE MISUNDERSTOOD. And I could begin to see that people could not understand how this STRONG outgoing presence who had so much advice and knowlege COULD ACTUALLY BE SUFFERING THE WAY I WAS. And I began to slowly see HOW I was misunderstood and I was triggered many times here. And one time I was acused of being in a competition which was never on my agenda. And there were these hurtful comments directed at me as well and they triggered me into experiencing the most harendous flashbacks and body memories that included some infant experiences that woke me up in the middle of the night in extreme terror.

Then I was directly addressed and I did respond because this person had been triggering me a lot. And it was this persons way of addressing me that did me the biggest favor to be honest. This other person HATED hugs and I GIVE OUT A LOT OF HUGS and it gave me something to discuss with my T as well. And he told me that some children who suffer abuse are actually told the abuse IS LOVE. And it made me recognize a part of myself and EVEN my daughter's not understanding me. I really hope this is left uneditied because I want people to know that triggers CAN be messages that mean something that should be noted and worked on, they are important and helpful even though they may seem upsetting.

I had realized that how I developed from my abuse was that I was extremely EMPATHETIC as I was very aware of the pain that others discussed. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN ACUTELY AWARE OF THAT SO I AM MORE LIKELY TO REALLY NOTICE THE PAIN OF OTHERS THAT IS SOMETHING THAT MANY PEOPLE COULD NOT UNDERSTAND ABOUT ME.

I made sure MY daughter knew love and had real good nurturing. MY DAUGHTER'S EMPATHY LEVEL IS MUCH LOWER THAN MINE. Though my daughter knows love and security and didn't really know abuse AT ALL, she cannot relate to HOW I RELATE TO OTHERS AND CAN SEE SO MUCH THAT SHE CANNOT SEE. We relate to other humans by knowing how something bad or uncomfortable feels. It is harder to relate with other when we do not experience things ourselves.

Rainbow, we probably have A LOT IN COMMON as somehow, because we KNOW the pain of feeling unsafe somehow, WE ARE STRONG AND PROTECTIVE OF OTHERS because we KNOW HOW IMPORTANT IT WAS AND HOW "WE" OFTEN WENT WITHOUT AND REALLY NEEDED HELP.

Each person is a little different depending on how they suffered abuse and what was there that they could find as some kind of safe presense. When a child suffers abuse there are many things that child does unknowingly to self protect. Their brains actually walls things off so the child can somehow survive. And there are often rituals that child developes in order to self sooth. And for me one of those methods was finding my way to the nurses office where I knew she was there just behind the curtain and I could ACTUALLY LET GO AND REST. And that is what I wanted my daughter to do for me when I napped and she picked on me for it. But at that time I HAD NO IDEA WHAT I WAS DOING. And that list in the workbook was filled with things I had unknowingly used to help me combat all the anxiety and fear that I had all my life.

And the RAGE/WHITEOUT was not something I could help or understand either? I had reached my breaking point and door slamming? That is a severe trigger that I didn't realize I had. THERE ARE SO MANY DOORS IN MY HISTORY OF BEING ABUSED, I have revisited them IN MANY FLASHBACKS WHERE I RAN THROUGH THEM, HID BEHIND THEM, AND HAD TO KNOW WHICH ONES HAD LOCKS ON THEM SO I COULD FEEL SAFE. Those doors were the bathroom doors that had bolts on them so my abuser could not get to me. In my flashbacks I WAS TERRIFIED. Everything about doors are in my memories right down to the sounds of hollow doors, solid doors, and all kinds of door knobs. My brain is so programed to listen to doors even in my sleep from having to do that all my life from early childhood. In the psychward I had no length of time where I could let go and really rest. In the psychward, even if I closed my door, they would open and close it EVERY 15 minutes and that is how I had to learn how to get any rest, IN FIFTEEN MINUTE INTERVALS WHICH REALLY TRIGGERED MY PAST AND LACK OF SENSING SAFETY THAT I NEEDED TO REST. When I got out of the psychward I was even MORE tire than when I went in. And I was greeted by and ANGRY HUSBAND AND DAUGHTER and it became OBVIOUS that I was going to have to return to a state of HYPERVIGILANCE again to continue addressing the damages to everything in my life.

The journey with PTSD is NOT ABOUT PUNISHMENT. But it CAN be sad and it can be about finding answers to long time questions that maybe we never really knew about ourselves. I am sorry for anyone who struggles with it as I know intimately that is is quite an ordeal and VERY HARD WHEN OTHERS DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

I remind everyone how important it is to be VERY KIND TO YOURSELF and give it time to work through. It isn't happening because you are weak at all, there were times you were actually very strong inspite of being frightened and abused. It really doesn't mean there is something about you that you will never heal from. You CAN heal but you cannot put a time line on it. You have to be patient and make up your mind that you are FINALLY GOING TO GET THE ANSWERS AND VALIDATION THAT YOU ALWAYS DESERVED TO HAVE. It is a process that you have to walk through and it is NOT EASY to go through it. But you CAN get through it even though it is hard to see and feel. And YOU DO DESERVE TO TAKE TIME OUT FINALLY TO GIVE TO YOURSELF, EVEN IF YOU DO NOT FEEL YOU DESERVE IT. THERE IS A REASON FOR THAT THAT YOU FINALLY HAVE TO MAKE PEACE WITH. AND, IT WAS NEVER YOUR FAULT!!!!!

Open Eyes