I just want to add that just because I have shared my own experience, it doesn't mean that others will take the same exact journey as me. Some people have PTSD and do not struggle as badly as me.

Each person is different depending on what they are addressing that has presented PTSD. There are many who suffer some kind of abuse and neglect as children and take it upon themselves to get educated and even become professionals. Some people get diagnosed with PTSD and can even say that they don't feel that it disrupts thier lives all that much. And sometimes because some of these people do not experience the real crippling PTSD that others do, they can even be more critical than a regular person because they have the diagnosis but have not experienced the extreme challeges and can think that someone is OVER REACTING in some way.

Truth be told I myself could have been diagnosed with PTSD at other times in my life as now that I have learned so much about it I did experience some of the symptoms of PTSD. I could very well have been one of those that could have said that even though I was diagnosed I still managed to meet many challenges in my life. And I did have many great challenges. I honestly could have NEVER imagined the way I have been suffering from PTSD this past year alone which I would have to say was truely brought on by how much I was continuing to be denied and also kept within a trama, much like my childhood that I had managed to block off in many ways.

Many people who have suffered some kind of abuse or neglect as children tend to actually pursue carreers that involve serving the pubilc in some way. Some of these careers include, doctors, social workers, policemen, service careers in the military and navy, teachers, firefighters, psychologists, lawyers and even a devoted parent. For some reason these careers fill a deep seeded need that is often not consciously recognized. It is not uncommon for many therapists to spend years helping others and never truely address thier own issues and may not also truely consciously be aware that they DO struggle themselves. This does not mean that ALL therapists are this way, but many are.

Many people believe and are taught that we are supposed to grow up and become adults and somehow gain personal strength where they can learn to "JUST DEAL AND FIND WAYS TO NOT ALLOW THINGS TO BOTHER THEM". And many people do achieve this in all different ways. And because some people CAN achieve this they often do not understand how someone who struggles actually DOES STRUGGLE FOR A VALID REASON. And for the one that struggles there is a constant feeling of being misundersood as well as some sense of shame or unworthiness. And the human brain is actually designed to help us achieve ways of truely having the capacity to wall off many uncomfortable things that we experience in our lives. But for a victim of abuse that wall is often very fragile and if that person experiences something profound that wall CAN be greatly effected and can create this condition that is called PTSD.

When someone experiences PTSD they always try to find ways to define it in a way that others can somehow relate. Often there is a sense that others will never understand the struggle and often those that suffer OFTEN SUFFER MORE ABUSE because it IS SOMETHING THAT IS VERY DIFFICULT TO UNDERSTAND. It is a very self absorbing disorder and it is crutial that anyone who suffers get a LOT OF VALIDATION AND SUPPORT.

My personal experience has been one where though I suffered so much and tried very hard to explain it, NO ONE AROUND ME WOULD LISTEN AND WERE UNSUPPORTIVE AND MEAN AND EVEN PUNISHING ME IN MANY WAYS. I lost all of my friends, I isolated in confusion, my husband did not understand and support me, I was told to SNAP OUT OF IT. My own daughter is angry with me and even punishes me by not even calling me on any holiday, not even mother's day. I have an attorney who would not listen no matter how hard I tried, even sitting across from him and telling him that I was struggling with bad thoughts and I needed him to make sure that he NOT allow a deposition to be constantly held over my head as I needed to stop being asked to remember, remember so many difficult details that were presented to me and tramatized me. HE DIDN'T DO WHAT I ASKED EITHER AND MY WHOLE YEAR LAST YEAR TO THE PRESENT IS ALL ABOUT WAITING FOR a call to REMEMBER so many details I truely need to put in my past.

I was really bad last year and many times I talked about wanting to END completely.
My husband didn't get it as he kept a loaded hand gun in the night stand next to our bed. There were times when I wanted that gun there because things were coming at me so badly that I didn't really know how much more hurt I could take.

And being able to come to PC saved my life in SO MANY WAYS. There were even times when I talked others out of a choice to end too. As I talked to them in PM's I was also telling myself to KEEP TRYING. Often, just knowing that there was someone else out there that could relate to what I was struggling with, was so helpful. I felt bad for them in my knowing of their stuggle intimately myself.

If had to change my past from the time this PTSD presented itself, I would have made sure my family members were informed on how this PTSD is going to be a real struggle for me and that THEY NEED TO PAY ATTENTION AND BE UNDERSTANDING AND SUPPORTIVE. And if anyone who is struggling reads this and is experiencing a husband or other family members who are not being supportive. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO TAKE THIS, COPY IT AND GIVE IT TO THEM.

I finally told my own therapist about the gun in the nightstand last year. I think I did that because in my efforts to support others here I somehow realized I needed to stand up and get my therapist to help me somehow. My therapist finally did something that should have been done all along. He met with my husband a few times and made my husband realize that what I was struggling with was real and it was time for him to support me and believe that what I was struggling with was REAL. It made a big difference in my ability to somehow feel a release from some kind of punishment and need to hide in my struggle. I then had permission to do whatever I needed to find my way to allow myself to heal.

I guess my one message for anyone who is struggling is PLEASE DON'T PUNISH YOURSELF for having PTSD. Find a way to give yourself permission to address it with a KNOWING that YOU DESERVE TO ADDRESS IT without FEELING GUILTY about it.

I am not better or completely healed yet. But I am doing much better than last year so I know that there is a path to healing with time and therapy and self healing and validation and CONSTANT SUPPORT. And if you need to come and question, cry, vent or need validation, I will do my best to help you if I can. But, please don't be ashamed, you can do this so please give it time and make sure you get a good therapist that will listen and help you. Don't be ashamed to talk about anything, you are not being judged, you just need to let it out and address whatever is there that somehow hurt you so you can finally make peace with it and even grieve it.

I don't mean to write a wall of words here, and I may even repeat myself. I just think about what would have helped me when I came here struggling as well. So I try to offer whatever I have come to know and understand in my own journey.

((((Hugs for support)))))
Open Eyes