A lot of things.

But I especially do not like the waiting area. I do not like other people being there (this is a change from before). I do not like other patients, other therapists, office staff -- none of them.

I feel paranoid when I'm sitting there. Today I actually looked up paranoid on my phone and read the entry on Wikipedia to try and distract my paranoid thoughts. Yeah, I chuckled a little with that one.

I feel very, very, very, very vulnerable. Very see-through. I don't want anyone else to get a look at me. I don't want anyone else to form a thought or opinion (no matter how inconsequential) about me. I don't want to be visible.

I told T I needed to be smaller. That I felt like Big Bird with that big feather sticking out of the top of his head, except I had those types of things sticking out all over and I wanted them GONE.

I figured out this was another reason for my extreme weight loss. That I need to be smaller. Invisible. The other new reason I discovered was shame. When I am fat I am greatly ashamed. When this whole process began a few months ago I had shame coming at me from every direction and no control over it. So I started losing weight to get rid of one of the shameful things that I could actually control.

So I need to disappear. Not in a going-away-forever kind of way, but in a nobody-notices-her-in-the-corner way.

Trigger warning just because it probably is triggering. Hell, I don't know.