Quote:
Originally Posted by newtus
hm. im well aware i suppose.
just extremely nervous.
maybe they cant now.
cause they arent being sent my history.
luckily.
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Meeting new people is always nerve-wracking, hun.
Quote:
Originally Posted by newtus
idk what it always is about trying to play it safe so much with that 'intent' thing.
other than bypassing committal.
i actually wish i could tell them how i really felt.
but ill be in hospital so fast i couldnt blink. a LOT.
i do really wish i could openely speak about it.
i told the last therapist this. then she asked the 'intent' question. i denied it up and down. even though the answer was 'yes'.
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I think most of the time, they're legally obliged to ask - like, they'd lose their jobs if they didn't ask. I think the way to talk about it is to finesse things a bit. Instead of saying, "I want to do [awful violent things] to myself/others", say, "Well, I would NEVER do these things, but I think about [awful violent things] an awful lot and it's really troublesome and I'd like to get help."
And try to appear docile while you do
Quote:
Originally Posted by newtus
i started lying after i went in the 4th time when i was 15 or 16.
i learned fast.
i suppose ill tell the truth if i feel id end up in a bad place. idk...i dont want to be seen as weak.
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Yes, I think one thing that living under constant threat does is make us good liars. I became an excellent liar in the hospital, amongst other things. If you tell the doctors what they want to hear, they leave you alone -- even though destroyed your soul to agree with them, if only outwardly.
Quote:
Originally Posted by newtus
i grew up a tomboy. still am. im not lesbian or anything.just a serious tomboy. (thats what you can get from being raised really by your father with a mother always skipping off on parental care).
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Tomboys are so much fun! I'm a bit of a tomboy, got more girly as I got older.
Quote:
Originally Posted by newtus
anyway
i remember bashing someone in the head in high school with a t1 calc. throwing desks/chairs at teachers, even in hospital at staff, stuff like that.
out of fear.
of people
and the situations id be put in.
i got tackled by two men when i tried to escape an adolescent ward.
i peed on floors
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That;s tough beans, hun. You must be a really strong person to have lived through that.
Quote:
Originally Posted by newtus
im not...idk..
im...not proud of this stuff.
no. im not. at all.
i guess what im saying is....
im afraid of myself
im impulsive
so when i have these thoughts
i sometimes ask myself 'when should i tell?'.
do you know what im getting at?
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Yeah, I know what you're getting at. It's tough to know how to act when every mental health professional comes armed with a huge amount of coercive power. Maybe getting a case worker like Costello was mentioning would help you. They're a lot less formal and more concerned about helping you cope day-to-day than the Pdocs or the nurses.
I'd be surprised (and worried) if you were proud of these things. But I really really do think you should be proud that you want to change them
That's a big step, and a big commitment. I wish you could talk to people about them, too. Well you can talk to us chickens but I'm not sure how much help we'll be.