Hellion,
I can relate to what you are saying. I didn't have a choice last year. I HAD to try and work as much as I could. I often felt just like what you are discribing too and my big constant desire was to find a way to get the pressure off so I could slow down and try to focus on the PTSD. My year was hell last year and I didn't really have the support I needed either. Although I did find a therapist who worked with me on a sliding scale for a much lower rate. So I dragged myself to therapy every week and there were many times where I felt WORSE and I often wondered if I would just completely lose it.

I honestly had very little motivation to do anything, I just either felt tired or I was battling some huge trigger or some kind of flashback or body memory and days on end of anxiety that just would not quit as well. And though I had Klonopin to take to help with anxiety, I often chose not to because that made me tired all the time.

I often wondered what it would be like to have all the worry taken off my shoulders so I could just focus on the PTSD. And I was also battling a Lawsuit with several depositions hanging over me, many of them my attorney forgot to inform me of. And then I really feel the opposing attorney got angry, scheduled some and cancelled the last minute just for payback. I wanted so badly to call the opposing side myself to appologize for MY attorney. I just wanted SO BADLY to not have to think about the trama that I needed to forget. My year in therapy was more about hanging in there rather than getting to some of the flashbacks that were presenting from my past due to the added stress. I had a constant whisper of "I need a break".

I often wonder if not having all that responsiblity hanging over me, having to work and pay on the debt that was never my fault and trying to do my best to maintain my farm and horses and ponies always presenting such a challenge to me, what would my progress have been if that was not there? Oh I wanted to be released from all of that so badly. And yes, I wondered if the therapy was helping myself because as I say, my PTSD was SO BAD. And I can relate to not even wanting to go out at all as well.

However, even though I struggled so much, I did make progress, though it WAS slow.
I am not going to lie and say that I am not struggling now, but I will say I am doing much better than last year. I honestly still wish I could not have so much on my shoulders still though.

I can say that my therapist turned out to be a good therapist and was very helpful, and so was PC. I think the most helpful thing was when my therapist finally met with my husband and instructed him that I was in serious condition and really needed his support instead of criticism.

Therapy only works if you put into it. I spent a lot of time on PC as well as studing all about PTSD, even the pathology of it. I had many discussions with my therapist that were more clynical and informative as well instead of just expecting him to spoon feed me every time I went to him. The truth is a therapist cannot do the work for us, we have to do it, and NO, IT IS NOT EASY. And yes, there are lots and lots of ups and downs. I had so many days where I was pretty much disfuntional and felt extremely guilty about it too. I had more cycles than I could count and prayed for the days were I would actually wake up feeling like the PTSD was gone somehow. I still don't understand why that happened. But most of the time I was in my own private battle and it was VERY HARD ON ME. Thank God I had someplace to go to talk to people who actually know what it is like to struggle with PTSD. Forget family and friends understanding it.

Yes, there were times when I got mean too. I hated when my husband used any wordage that included any "just" deal, get over, don't let bother, get up,try, dont let it get to you and the list was endless. Yes, I appologized many times too. But then one day while my husband and I were working and he was picking on everything I did, I got really mean and then afterwards I appologized and began to try to catch myself before I did get mean. There is SO MUCH ANGER with PTSD. At least there was for me BECAUSE NO ONE LISTENED TO ME ON HOW MUCH I WAS STRUGGLING. I hated the disorder and I hated how I could not seem to beat it as well. Yes, it held me prisoner and made me tired, and angry too.

I really had to pay attention to it as well as every trigger because I had a lot of triggers. And they all meant something too. It was all connected to my childhood in ways I never really realized. The trama I experienced brought it all out in a way I could never have imagined. Because I was trapped with so much damage and having to remember and continue fighting somehow, THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I DID GROWING UP.

I don't know what has caused your PTSD Hellion, but there is a reason and it has to be addressed. The only way to get to the other side of PTSD is through.

There are times where I wonder if I had not been triggered all those times in so many different ways if I would have not realized the core issues that I never addressed and instead found ways to somehow adapt in my own ways. The apathy, depression, anger, fear, anxiety and even the confused states where it is hard to even concentrate were all steming from things locked away deep in my mind that I was not aware of consciously. I had to relive them, feel them all over again and wow was it hard, I had to feel that very troubled desperately frightened and confused child all over again to piece it all together. I always felt behind somehow ALL MY LIFE and now I know why.

I hope Hellion that you continue to seek therapy eventually. The only real way out of PTSD is getting to the depths of things you may not consciously realize.

(((Hugs and wish you luck in catching that break you need)))))
Open Eyes