Posted in ED forum but is about effects of abuse.........................



Alone in the house and just had supper with the family...

Was feeling tired/exhausted but couldn't go to sleep. Layed on the couch and played through my mind the pillow example in therapy today. I want to do it again and played it in my mind what I would say. "Because of you i wanted to *&%% myself. When you found out I wanted to *&%% myself I was too much of a coward to tell you why I wanted to *&%% myself. I told you it was just a joke. I didn't want you to see my pain for two reasons: 1. it's humiliating to share you fears and pain so many times to only have it thrown back in your face as being weak. 2. I didn't want you to know that you were the cause of my pain. I needed to hide that for feeling I couldn't handle any more rejection."

I got up from the couch, went into the kitchen ate: 3 kiwi, 4 tortilla chips and then a handful off chocolate chips. I hate that I did that in the feelings of anger and sadness for you.

When I made the decision to lose weight it was because I had no choice. I couldn't *&%% myself as that would hurt my boys so the only thing left was to lose the weight. I couldn't live another day being fat and feeling horrible. It was either die or diet.

I hate that I overate to stuff it down on the account of the feelings I have because of you. Even though my life is different in the here and now everything you said or did to me is still there. I'm still dieting especially to combat the binges that are because of you.