I often wonder if not having all that responsiblity hanging over me, having to work and pay on the debt that was never my fault and trying to do my best to maintain my farm and horses and ponies always presenting such a challenge to me, what would my progress have been if that was not there? Oh I wanted to be released from all of that so badly. And yes, I wondered if the therapy was helping myself because as I say, my PTSD was SO BAD. And I can relate to not even wanting to go out at all as well.

Hmm I honestly don't even know what I would do if I had all that to deal with....I mean I can hardly manage with just not doing much. I still have to apply for SSI and even just that seems really overwhelming......I mean the last time I applied and was denied I was in college so I didn't appeal because I didn't see how I could focus on that and college as two classes at the community college was even really pushing me. I imagine having a good therapist helped you some with getting through all that?

I just can't help feeling like if I was put under too much stress I would not be able to handle it.......even with a therapist if I do find one.

As for not wanting to go out......I do want to, but it seems like how I feel prevents me.


Therapy only works if you put into it. I spent a lot of time on PC as well as studing all about PTSD, even the pathology of it. I had many discussions with my therapist that were more clynical and informative as well instead of just expecting him to spoon feed me every time I went to him. The truth is a therapist cannot do the work for us, we have to do it, and NO, IT IS NOT EASY. And yes, there are lots and lots of ups and downs. I had so many days where I was pretty much disfuntional and felt extremely guilty about it too. I had more cycles than I could count and prayed for the days were I would actually wake up feeling like the PTSD was gone somehow. I still don't understand why that happened. But most of the time I was in my own private battle and it was VERY HARD ON ME. Thank God I had someplace to go to talk to people who actually know what it is like to struggle with PTSD. Forget family and friends understanding it.

I imagine that is true about therapy, and to be honest I just don't see where I would get the energy and motivation to put into it...Or how to convince myself it would help at all. Nothing has ever been easy though so why should I expect anything to be? I also have looked into the pathology of it as well as the depression and if anything I find it rather disturbing what untreated PTSD and Depression can do to the brain.

Also I hate to say this but I am having a very difficult time seeing the ups in my life and I just hope for the days when it won't be quite as bad. Like the days when I just feel on edge but don't end up losing it and freaking out/panicking. And in my case I have a friend who understands a lot of how I feel...and my brother and cousin are pretty understanding in their own ways but yeah for the most part I feel pretty isolated......I mean even if I am interacting with any of them.

I don't know what has caused your PTSD Hellion, but there is a reason and it has to be addressed. The only way to get to the other side of PTSD is through.

Well I know specifically what took place before the symptoms became apparent, but I had quite a few experiences throughout my childhood that were traumatic to me, so maybe there are multiple reasons for it.....or maybe those things just made me more vulnerable to PTSD but either way.

There are times where I wonder if I had not been triggered all those times in so many different ways if I would have not realized the core issues that I never addressed and instead found ways to somehow adapt in my own ways. The apathy, depression, anger, fear, anxiety and even the confused states where it is hard to even concentrate were all steming from things locked away deep in my mind that I was not aware of consciously. I had to relive them, feel them all over again and wow was it hard, I had to feel that very troubled desperately frightened and confused child all over again to piece it all together. I always felt behind somehow ALL MY LIFE and now I know why.

I hope Hellion that you continue to seek therapy eventually. The only real way out of PTSD is getting to the depths of things you may not consciously realize.

(((Hugs and wish you luck in catching that break you need)))))
Open Eyes