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Oh gosh, I just realized what may be happening at my next t appointment... He said he wants to try a few techniques to bring out someone, if he can... I don't want to move that fast. I don't even want DID to be that confirmed yet. I'm not ready to handle this. I told him "anything that can get me feeling better" but with my state, I'm afraid that may make me worse.....
I want to get better but... What if it brings out a seizure, or what if it brings out someone else? No doctor has officially met another alter, that I'm aware of at least. I don't know if he will even get anywhere. But I don't know if I even want him to.
I want to keep dwelling in the shadows, keep myself blind to what may be going on internally. I really wish this would all go away. I just want to sleep until I can feel normal again. I'm afraid to be awake because of all of this, but I'm afraid to sleep because I'm afraid I wont come back from that sleep for quite some time.
Next Thursday... Next Thursday my life might change. I don't know if it will be better or worse but right now, the changes lately haven't been better so I just don't know. I'm totally freaking right now. I don't want anyone to know. This is a small town, my hometown. If they know I have DID, oh gosh... He already put down my abuse in the computer. I'm in the system.
OK I'm freaking out... Sorry to post, not trying to take up the forum so I didn't post a new thread but if he does encounter an alter, I just don't know what will happen. Bad things happen when they come out. My body doesn't do bad things but when they come out it's always due to something bad happening... Who would come out, what would they say and how would they act? I spent my whole life keeping secrets of this abuse. I can't risk them telling those secrets... I tell what I want to tell and nothing more... But for them, I really don't know....
I just don't know what to do. Sorry for posting. I'm pathetic I know... They have been nothing but good to me, helping me through everything. Yet I'm terrified to know they are there, terrified to know how many or who... Sheesh, I'm pathetic...
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I'd lock my hands behind my head, I'd cover my heart and hit the deck, I'd brace myself for the impact if I were you.
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