In all honesty I feel as though until the age of 15 I was void and nonexistant, a product of the system.
I had a good weekend, the first in 2 1/2 years and now the flashbacks have started again. They are not of my ex- or of my childhood, but they are flashbacks of human kindness that hurt me. I do not know where they are coming from or why they hurt me but they must stop.
I see faces and dream of a life so far away (20 years ago) it makes no sence.
I remember being 11 and going to a free clinic for female issues. Turns out I had several STD's. I remember telling the dr. I was 16 (the magic age) and needed some meds. Well her resonse was she couldn't help me unless I provided my name and address..well couldn't do that so I left after much hassell.I was very tough back then...so I went to the bus stop to go back. Well after all she came down and GAVE me medication to help me.Why? In retrospect I'm sure she could have gotten into trouble.
When I was around 13 (ages are like puzzles for me) I was hitch hiking trying to get home 700 miles away.. and I was picked up by a man. He was built, strong and in military uniform. He was kind. I remember he seemed so old. I was cold and he gave me his jacket like a blanket and I slept in the car for what seemed like hours. He tried to talk to me about school and continuing my education, even offered to take me home with him to help me. I never budged..and he never laid a hand on me!!
I think of a woman who picked me up while I had a bad experience..my jeans covered in blood front and back and took me to an AA meeting..thinking I was a runaway..I tried to explain I was just trying to get home..she didn't believe me. She let me spend the night at her house, shower and washed my clothes to remove the blood. In the morning she cried when I left and she apologized for not being able to do more. Gave me $20 and apoligized because that was all she had.
WTF!!! These memories haunt me...they are the good ones, human kindness, not like the rest.
I want them to stop..although good in nature they hurt me. I am numb to the real abuse so why do these things stick? This is bs!! I'm tired of it.
I JUST WANT PEACE!!!!!!!!!!!!! I've ****ing earning it!!