I've already told my story about my big manic episode and huge suicidal crash that landed me in the hospital. After I was released I still cut some and felt SU. I've been feeling better lately. I'm physically exhausted because I can't sleep for more than a few hours, but my brain feels more present and functional. Several people have commented that even though I look tired I do look better overall. I thought maybe I was recovering and getting closer to normal.

Now I'm starting to worry again. What if I'm not recovering but swinging back toward another mania? I was out shopping at 3 am this morning because I couldn't sleep and couldn't just be still anywhere. I didn't buy anything crazy, just put gas in my car and bought a few groceries and picked up a couple of other things I needed, but shopping at 3 am? That sounds really borderline manic to me, and it scares me. Last time I did this I left my wife and kids and wrecked my marriage and family. Who knows what might happen if I get manic again? I'm not worried about another affair, there's no one immediately available even if I wanted to, but I don't want to ruin the progress I've made toward rebuilding my marriage. She said she wants to see how I handle another mania before she'll truly commit to the marriage again - what if I screw it up?

What can I do to stop this? I'm scared! Help!!!