I'm often envious of my best friend – she is smarter, richer, better looking, more accomplished, and is overall a better, more valuable individual than I am, and I mentally question why it is she likes me, since I see little to like. Undoubtedly, I am the most abused, mentally ill, and poorest of her friends and of those that she knows.

My personal weaknesses are with travel, appearance, and school.

I would love to travel the world. Over 17 hours a day I am around a world map because I have them hung in my bedroom, office, bug shed, etc., I have over two dozen international flags, and I can recite all the world's capital cities. However, I've never been able to experience a bit of this world, and it always seems like those I know, including my best friend, are able to travel all the time, or at least travel now and then. My best friend travelled to Israel with her family in 2011 and she was wanting to travel to Argentina or Spain in 2012. Traveling has been a dream of mine since childhood, along with being loved, but it is so far away that it doesn't register for me - I can't afford it.

Appearance is another one. I don't have the perfect teeth like she and all he friends can have. When I smile, I am repulsed by my teeth, all crooked and damaged, and it is not uncommon for me to refuse to smile and be photographed. I'm not in my high school year book (which I didn't receive because I was living in a car after our house was repossessed) because I refused to allow the school to display a photo of me.

And it is like, “Why couldn't I be her?”

Here I am grappling with suicidal ideation, SI, massive depression, and trauma all the freaking time.

How do I feel okay being who I am and living this life? I feel like committing suicide a lot because I never feel like I have anything to live for and I am always so frustrated with who I am. Maybe I am just frustrated right now…