Here. Want to go curl up and cry and sleep. Finally got up the courage to call psychiatrist (several mths ago my pcm(primary care manager) doc wanted a full psych eval done. After several battles with incurance company finally got approved and pcm supposedly faxed necessary referal info to him. Then I didn't follow up for a couple mths. Finally gave him a call today to see if he got the info and if the referal was still good. Called during lunch time so I knew I'd get the voicemail (that way he can look stuff up before calling me back). Plus I can usually handle taking phone calls better than making them. I thought getting this done when I had the courgae would make some of the anxiety go away btu now I'm freaking out. What if the referals no good anymore and I have to do this all again? What if they are good and I get an appt with him. What do I say. What do I not tell him. I know I should be honest. But I'm worried he's going to hospitalize me or something. I don't think he would, but I'm worried about him asking me about my feeling towards my toddler. Everyone tells me I'm a good mom, but I feel so mentally damaged that he'd be better off dead, or adopted. I know I'm not going to kill him, but I honestly think he'd be better off that way. Not that I can even imagine the pain of losing him. I'm not abusive or neglectful, but sometimes I worry that I'll lose it one day and go off my meds or do something else equally stupid. As much as I feel like I'm falling apart right now, I know he has a cold, and I wouldn't want to have a sitter watch him or take him to a friends and expose him to other kids. My only friend here IRL has a three month old having open heart surgery in less than a month so I know I can't expose them to this bug, minor or not. These are the days I really wish I had no child and could just medicate until hubby comes home. And PMS really isn't helping things right now.