((((Cotton ball))),

I can relate to what you are saying, I have experienced that as well. And I also can relate to Rose in not knowing how to be happy and sadly in my life also as soon as I WAS happy something tramatic would happen so I began to equate happy as something I was somehow not able to have or a prelude to some kind of punishment.

People always used to say to me RELAX AND JUST BE HAPPY and YOU ARE ALWAYS EXPECTING THE NEXT SHOE TO DROP. But the truth was THAT SHOE DID DROP pretty much every time.

And Rose is right about using yourself as a best friend in a way, I do the same and I reserve a part of myself to remain hopeful, patient, kind, caring and to be my own best understanding friend. I really don't think you can get through PTSD if you don't truely learn how to do that. And that is why I constantly say, "BE KIND TO YOURSELF ALWAYS" "NO MATTER WHAT".

I think the best way to explain what you are going through Cotton is that ANYTHING that was a "SURPRISE" is thrown into the mix with PTSD. Your brain has been tramatized and it is trying to "learn" how to establish "SAFETY" again. That is truely what the human brain is designed to do and it is pretty amazing because it actually provides memory loss or blocks to hide tramas that contain a lot of emotions (that can present harmful chemicals overloading the brain so it cannot funtion well) so that we CAN get through and SURVIVE.

Cotton, you truely have to be patient with your brain right now as IT IS TRYING HARD TO FIND RESOLVE RIGHT NOW. And the main reason why things come forward in little pieces is YOUR BRAIN DOESN'T WANT TO BE HARMED BY ALLOWING TOO MANY OF THE TROUBLING EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCES OUT ALL AT ONCE.
That is why the journal is good to keep so you can piece it together. Just keep in mind that the brain is trying to protect itself while it is healing at the same time. It will not let a huge piece come forward if that piece can overwhelm your brain with too much emotion. It trys to monitor the chemicals that come into the brain with the emotional duress. Remember, all emotions HAVE CHEMICALS that the brain uses to register and function and it really struggles if too much come in all at once. And that is often what happens with trama itself and if there is a length of time where many tamas occured the brain will hide some and try to let only pieces out. It is a challenge for your brain to run day to day and problem solve at the same time.
That is why it feels like we are almost fighting ourselves at times. That is also why we desired to isolate too, our brains are doing that so we don't get overwhelmed while working on the PTSD.

I really try to remember this myself. And it is hard work for the brain to find resolve with PTSD. And when something does come forward YES it can take a couple of days to recover from that. And the brain DOES get fatigued and there IS a desire to just want to fall asleep and wake up feeling refreshed. Yes the brain would love to get back to doing that as it is designed to do. And that is why that strong desire is there as well to be able to just sleep it off. And not having any goals right now, well the brain has a hard time with that because it has to settle the trama first and get back to feeling safe again.

So, you have to be patient, are you working with a T? That is so important as a T can help you put in the pieces of resolve you need to help your brain figure out all these confusing pieces and get back to you being able to feel safe again. Yes sometimes it doesn't feel like you do much in therapy, but you really do more than your realize. Having someone who can validate you and help you redirect is very important. We cannot always do this all on our own. And we have to stop feeling guilty about that.

Cotton, I hear you, it sure is tiring and forget explaining it, no one can relate unless they experience it. But Rose is right, you DO have to set aside part of yourself to be your best friend through all of this. Yes, I know it is confusing, me too, but the fact is you have been tramatized and you have not yet gotten back to sorting it all out to where you can develope the capacity to feel safe again. It takes time, your brain is trying and be kind and patient with it.

((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes