As soon as I'm getting out of this funk, I'll try to call the new clinic to see if I'm listed there, and in that case, get an appointment.

They are not specialists, just GP's but I hope they will take me seriously. I'm about to give up now and stop seeing doctors, because no matter test result, no matter how I feel, docs say I'm doing fine.

I verbalize well, so if they only listened, they would know what I'm going through. The last year I feel like my body is shutting down on me. I can't do anything without getting so exhausted I can just lie in bed and wait for it to pass. I don't have a life anymore.

If this continues, I see nothing else than quitting my one day a week volunteer job and selling my rabbits. I will have to just focus on sitting on a dang chair, cook, eat and get help with cleaning. It depresses me. I don't want that for my life. It's no real life.

"All" my test results are out of whack and I have some kind of autoimmune illness. Now it is like they think I should know that and blame all ailments on that(learn to live with it), but at the same time be active and happy ("because you look so healthy"). No advice is given, no medication except a cough med because for the last eight years I had a chronic cough (probably an autoimmune reaction to the little hairs in your throat that transports phlegm), that is so bad that I scare people with it and I cough until I vomit daily.

I can't follow my friend when we're walking. I run out of breath. I can't do much work, because either I run out of breath or if I use my arms they get weak and ache really bad within minutes. I can't walk uphill without stopping.

I try to exercise low pace. I can walk on flat ground for quite a bit of time if I walk my own speed. That is weird, it doesn't tire me. Everything else does. When I do a little extra, like if I vacuum a few rooms, I crash and I'm incapacitated the next days.

I try to eat healthy, mostly unprocessed foods.

My lungs have been X-rayed and I had an EKG twice. Normal.

The more I push myself the worse I get. I got by before because I took it slow. Now that I'm worse, slow isn't going to cut it. I can't even be done with basic chores before I run out of energy and things pile up. Before I just did the absolutely necessary. Now I can't even do that.

"And I look so healthy..."

When I drink a glass of water, my hand shake. The glass is too heavy I think. My mind is getting muddled and I can't remember things. I don't know what I did yesterday or the day before.

I feel depressed. But it's not like depression started this. I just feel scared and sad that I cannot live the life I want to live, I can't even live 10 % of the life I want to live. I can just exist. And with this feeling that my body is struggling just to stay alive.

Sometimes I think I have something that might kill me, and they just didn't find out. That is how rotten I feel. I've stayed in bed for 15 hours and when I wake up it is with the total dread of having to be alive with this one more day. These days I love sleeping because then I don't feel this. I still have obligations, so it's not like I'm allowed to hypersleep a lot.

The Ritalin for ADD helps. It makes me ignore pain and fatigue. Then I think I'm healthy and that I'll be OK the next day as well. But since I don't feel my energy running out, I overdo it and I end up in bed. So right now I'm not taking it.

I looked at myself in the mirror today. I'm so pale. I don't smile. And my hair is turning grey with a stunning speed. I don't look well. How can they tell me I do?

ESR is a nonspecific test of inflammation or infection, someone my age should not be above around 22. A bad flu gives you a number of around 45 while pneumonia can be about 110. I haven't had anything even near 45 in many years, mine circles around 70-80 and occasionally goes up to 120.

But it doesn't matter. I look so healthy.

I'll give the new clinic a try. I'll go in expecting good care, but if I don't, if no one listens, then what is my next step? Is there one (The new clinic is my last option, we don't have many clinics around here)?

Sorry. Long. I apologize.