Trigger warning for religious opinions expressed by myself and my therapist and one example of extreme religious hatred toward a minority group.

When I arrived, T asked if I was better than I was Wednesday when I sent the emails. I told her I was; not 100%, but better. She asked me what happened over the weekend that caused me to send the email. I told her about the MFP roundtable meeting in which a disabled woman was shushed several times by the facilitator of the meeting, who is the initiative director. I said I thought she had as much right to speak as anyone else. I said it bothered me and made me question myself as a service provider, how I'm perceived as a client, and the fact that I'm a provider and a client. She told me that when she tells people what she does for a living that many times, she will be asked if she's ever been in therapy herself. When she tells them she has, she gets one of two reactions:

1. "Oh good, then you know what it's like for your clients."
2. "Then what are you doing being a therapist, you're obviously too screwed up to do the job."

Her point was that no matter what, you get judged sometimes for being a client/consumer/service user, etc. in the mental health system. Even (especially) if you work in the field yourself. That made me feel a bit better because without saying it directly, I knew that she was equating herself and her experiences with me and my own.

As an aside, she also said when she meets people and they find out she's a therapist, she usually gets one of two reactions:

1. "Oh, you're a head shrink, I bet you're analyzing me right now," to which she replies, "No, I'm trying to enjoy _____ (party, dinner, etc.). Do you like to work when you're not working?"
2. "I have a friend who has a son who's bipolar and I wonder if you could tell me...," to which she replies, "No, I'm trying to enjoy _____ (party, dinner, etc.). Do you like to work when you're not working?"

I've had it happen too: "What do you do?" "I'm in program development for a service provider for developmentally disabled adults." "My friend's son has Down syndrome and I wonder if you could tell me..." "No, I can't tell you, I don't know him and everyone is different."

Then we talked about the second thing that triggered me, which was getting into an argument on Facebook about religion. I come from a fundamentalist background. I saw a former psychology professor of mine getting skewered and accused of "persecuting" them simply because he expressed an opinion that differed from theirs. I had to step in. I stated what I believed, which was the same except for ONE SMALL THING and I got raked over the coals. I asked one guy in particular, "Would you consider me a sister in the faith?" He told me no, that I was not a Christian.

Then, I remembered why I left fundamentalism.

But it brought back a nagging doubt about the biggest fear of my life. Triggered, triggered, triggered. I asked T if she considered me a sister in the faith despite that difference.

If she answered "no", I was prepared to walk out the door and never return.

Luckily for both of us, she said yes. She said that many Christians held different beliefs and she respected everyone's beliefs, even if they differed from hers. She said that she believed (as do I) that fundamentalists do the Christian faith a disservice. They tend to believe they are better than everyone else and their way is the only way. She told an anecdote of her BIL who is a Baptist minister. "When my MIL died last year, we were at my FIL's house. My BIL turned on the TV and Grey's Anatomy was on. I don't watch that show, but there is a lesbian character. On the episode, that character had been in a car accident. My BIL said, 'I hope she dies.' I asked him why. He said, 'Because she's a lesbian.' I asked, "So you want her to die because she's a lesbian? Why?' He said, 'Because I hate her. I hate her, I hate her, I HATE HER.' I looked at my husband and he started to say something, but I shook my head no at him because I knew it wasn't worth the argument." She said, "I just don't understand people like him. It makes me want to wring his neck, but I don't because he says he loves God. Even if he didn't love God, I wouldn't wring his neck because God wants us to love one another."

I told T my mom talked to me about finally asking for help for her depression and anxiety. She thought it was great and about time. She asked if Mother's day was pleasant and I told her it was.

I asked her why she looked at me funny at the end of the session with H. She said, "Because she doesn't understand why people just like to argue. Not that H was argumentative, but he stated he liked to argue. I don't get it." I found out she was actually triggered. Her own H likes to argue, but in a different way than my H. My H likes to argue philosophically; politics, religion, logic, etc. She told a story about her H: "I told my husband a couple of weeks ago that we needed a new couch. He asked me why. I told him because the two front legs were broken and there's a tear in the front and it stinks. He asked why I thought those were valid reasons to buy a new couch. I said because I want one that is not broken, torn, or stinks. He said that the couch we had was fine because you could still sit on it. I said 'Just tell me how much money we have because I'm going to buy a new couch and if you won't tell me how much money we have, I'll just spend $2000 whether we have it or not."

Which told me a lot about T's marriage. Her H is argumentative, somewhat controlling, and controls the money. Made me grateful for my H. I told her, "If I told my H our couch was broken, torn, and stinks, he would say, 'Damn, we need to go get a new couch.'"

The rest of the session, we went off on a couple of weird tangents. We discussed our shared road rage and we both talk to other cars on the road. She asked me if my toenails were painted blue or black (dark blue). She said she had a pedicure by a male and got to talking about fetishes.

Then time was up. She told me she felt bad because it felt like an unproductive session. I said it was not (I really didn't, because we dealt with what was bothering me, and I learned more about her). She turned out to be fully booked next week and she felt really bad about it, so I'm first call for a cancellation. If no cancellations, I will see her in 12 days. I think I'll be okay though. I told her it would give me time to work in the Boundaries book and I'd email her if anything arose. I told her I was ready to start the hard stuff again.

So we walked out and I paid the receptionist and I thought of something. I stood there for a minute and thought, "Should I email or walk back there?" I'm sure the receptionist thought I was weird for just standing there like a bump on a log while I decided. I decided to walk back.

T was standing up eating her lunch and looking at her phone. I said her name. She looked up. This conversation commenced:
Me: I just came back to say thanks.
T: *Smiles*
Me: At first I thought I'd email you to say it but I decided to come back and tell you in person.
T: Do you realize how much better you're doing?
Me: Yeah, but I was kind of scared this week.
T: You and I are not going to let that happen. It's against the rules, you know. You just can't.
Me: There are rules? *sly grin*
T: Yes. You're not allowed to break them. *sly grin*
Me: Well, thanks for seeing H the other day.
T: I feel kind of bad, like it was a waste of time and money for y'all. I told him what I thought might help. If he's not going to try what I suggested what was the point?
Me: The point was this: he said talking to you made him feel better because you confirmed he is not burned out.
T: REALLY?
Me: Yes. He asked me what the difference was between this summer and all the other summers the center was in the same situation. I said I didn't know, other than it's been building up for years. He decided that because we are in a financial crunch this year, that's what's different.
T: It can build up. Plus he works for the county. They don't care about employees.
Me: I know. To be perfectly blunt, they don't give a s**t about them. Only about how they look to the public.
T: True. Do you know how the head of DSS gets a raise?
Me: You mean *Long-time DSS Director's name*? How?
T: The more people on welfare, the more money he makes. (She used to work for DSS, so she knows the inside info AND was a county employee).
Me: That's stupid.
T: Yep.
Me: I hope you didn't mind me coming back to say this.
T: Not at all. *sweet smile* You're doing great, you really are.
Me: I appreciate you letting me email you once again. I am trying really hard to respect your boundaries, the boundaries of others, and my own.
T: You're doing just fine with that. Are you planning to do something fun this weekend?
Me: As a matter of fact I am. I'm getting together with my BFF. We talked last night and decided we needed to do something different and not let the guys dictate what we are going to do.
T: *laughing* Well, have fun.
Me: I will. See you later.
T: Bye.

What T probably doesn't realize is that little 10 minute conversation meant more to me than anything else. She seemed truly glad that I came back; not like she was just "putting up with me." That meant a lot to me.

Made me feel equal. I made the right choice.