One of the things that rape crisis counselors do is have the victinms write a letter to their abusers. They don't necessarily send them them out. Sometimes just writing it out and sealing it in an envelop and having the crisis center counselor put it in the file helps. basically the activity is meant for changing the location of those bottled up feelings. One crisis center counselor that I know works with abusers too and she has the abusers write a letter to the victims, seals it up and puts it in the files. she says it helps them alot to understand why they did what they did be it because they were forced to or they made that decision on their own, and to move on from that situation.

by reading your post it sounds like you are stuck in both sides - the abuser role and the victim role. maybe you can sit down and write your victim a letter explaining your side of what happened and how you feel about it and so on. and then do the same from the victim point of view and write a letter to your abuser.