I have relived my childhood in a very upsetting way, in a way that I could have never imagined really. I have PTSD and to be honest, I thought I had made peace with that part of my life and never did I realize how much my brain had actually storred or even blocked off to protect me.

Recalling CSA is something you have to be patient with and often people can be forced to finally address it because like me they struggle with PTSD. Unfortunately for some reason with PTSD the brain begins to release every upsetting thing that we experienced and it can go all the way back too. One of my own flashbacks goes back to when I was in a crib and in that flashback I don't see who the abuser is and all I see is my crib and in that flashback I am freezing cold and crying like a very scared upset infant. That was my most troubling flashback to be honest because I actually WAS that infant, I could feel her and I never cried so hard in my life and it was so sad. AND, there was NO comforting presense there to help me, how awful.

I have other flashbacks too and they come in pieces and I am SO LITTLE too. I could not believe that my brain would hold onto that. It WAS real, there is no way I could have imagined them and I FELT EVERYTHING TOO.

I talked about some of this in therapy, but like everyone else I didn't want get graphic and I really didn't want to talk about it, IT WAS SO HARD TO JUST SAY IT.
How I DID talk about it is (as I mentioned before) I talked about the subject itself.
And in that I got to hear my therapist talk about it and I learned how much it really happens (so I wasn't alone) and he also talked about how it effects children and adults later on. AND THAT IS FINALLY WHEN I GOT TO SLIP MYSELF IN THERE. Once that part was over it got easier to talk about my early childhood and the sexual abuse as well.

I have always taken the position for myself to find a way to address it as if the grown up in me NEEDS TO LEARN THINGS TO HELP THE CHILD THAT WAS ME AND HURT. So I guess in a way, I was my own mother in therapy. However there were times when the child came through and I did cry and get upset too. But that mother part of me was also very close as well, especially afterwards.

When I look at my troubled childhood, I was molested by both my older siblings. And it was so confusing. But I also had to realize (witch can be hard) that they were children too, although they WERE older and stronger.

When you struggle with feeling guilty or somehow responsible about childhood issues like this go someplace around children and watch them. Children are pretty outgoing and curious can even challenge each other too (which is normal) but they really DON'T understand anything like adults do. Children are really VERY VULNERABLE AND TRUSTING TOO.

So make sure that when you remember your past always remember that YOU REALLY DIDN'T KNOW WHAT YOU KNOW NOW, NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENED. And always remember that we are all designed to experience pleasure from our sexual parts and children find this and do not know what it means really either and it is not unusual for them to wonder if other children can too (remember children are normally curious about everything).

I am very sorry for anyone who was abused as a child, it is very difficult to address and work through, but you CAN make peace with it. Always make sure you see as much as you can and are willing to recognize that YOU REALLY DIDN'T KNOW BETTER.

The same is true if an adult hurt you. Many adults take advantage of children sadly, IT IS NEVER THE CHILDS FAULT.

And also, children do not know what stess and anxiety means either, they only try to find a way to self sooth and often do some strange things or rituals where they can find comfort.

(((Loving Hugs for all those abused children that are trying to heal))))
Open Eyes