it sounds like you are comparing your insides with other people's outsides. just because things look good, doesnt mean they are.

i finally have it all. im not a nut case anymore. how i have longed for that all my life. stability. i have a job i absolutely love, its my passion. i have three great kids that i am no longer responsible for raising, that are doing well on their own, that are providing me with beautiful grandchildren. i have "friends" that seem to genuinely care about me. i have my own place that is easy to care for, with a friendly landlord that keeps the place up very well, i have a good car, people really look up to me and admire me. they tell me all the time how wonderful i am. what a boost to my self esteem.

but am i happy? do i experience joy? i still dont know what those things are. i still struggle allowing all these wonderful things in my life be a part of me. i dont know how to enjoy them. i dont know how to make them a part of me. i havent learned how to connect or experience. life has no meaning still. what i do has meaning, but nothing has meaning tome. But people who look at me think I have it all.