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Sorry I wrote a book. Hopefully you have a minute or 20.
I have a fear of sex for many reasons which I feel are valid, but its been years since I've had sex..or a been in relationship in general and I'm sick of this feeling.
Just to give you background on what I'm dealing with, I'll give you an amended version of my life. To begin, I was raped when I was 14 (that's how I lost my virginity)..It wasn't one of those big scary rapes like you see on TV..I just hung out with the wrong group of people and unfortunate things happen...I decided I wasn't going to let it rule my life so I've put little thought into it since it happened..Anyways when it happened, my way of dealing with it was to pretend it was what I wanted. So 2 weeks later I hooked up with the same guy..and his friend in the same night. I kept a diary in which I pretended I wanted it all to help keep myself sane..The diary was later found by my stepmom who was snooping through my room. She and my dad obviously didn't believe me when I said I was raped, and after that I was afraid to have sex again while living in my parents house.
With the whole rape thing and the 2nd night of events, I had never even experienced my first kiss. So 18 comes along, I'm not living with my parents and I end up dating a guy for a little over a month.. I thought he was decent.. turns out he wasn't... which probably contributes to some trust issues but that's another story. Anyways we had sex a lot..but never kissed because the first time I kissed him he practically told me I sucked at kissing. I'm on the verge of 23 now and since then I've only had sex one other time...it was at a party and after hours of constant badgering I finally gave in. At that point I was 20 and had gone about 2 1/2 years without any physical contact with a guy (no hugs even). When we were done he just threw a dirty towel at me told me to clean myself up, went upstairs and never said a word to me again (ultimate sign I sucked). Now here I am over 2 years later again...I've drunkenly hugged guys I was crushing on at bars but that is the most I've done since that night.
The lack of experience and the negative experiences I've had are making it hard for me to open up to a guy. Anytime a guy flirts with me, I revert the attention to my friends, or someone close by. I am ashamed to be sexual. So all this sounds bad enough right?
...Well that's not it. I also have medical conditions that are affecting my confidence. First off I'm overweight. I'm not comfortable with my body, but I wouldn't necessarily let that destroy my sex life. What sucks is along with the obesity, I have PCOS which has led to a decreased sex drive (I am only truly "in the mood" a few times a year) and it's led to hirsutism (excessive hair growth). The following may be TMI but its what I have to deal with every day...I have dark thick hair growing everywhere except my back, neck, palms, and the soles of my feet. I wax my face (side burns, mustache and chin) and just try to ignore my arms, but the butt, stomach, and breasts are my areas of concern. I've tried every form of hair removal and because I have naturally curly hair, I have just become covered in ingrown hairs. It's like no matter what, I can't win. And the more time that goes by the worse it gets..and the more scars I get from the ingrown hairs.. Plus every girl wants that silky smooth feeling after they shave, but I've never been able to accomplish this because my hair grows in every direction possible and at extreme angles..and like I mentioned, I'm covered in ingrown hairs.
Despite my obesity, I am by no means ugly. I may have a double chin, but I do have a pretty face with excellent eyes and eye lashes that are so long they nearly touch my eyebrows (what girl doesn't want those!) but with all these issues how am I not suppose to be self conscious?..If I somehow manage to pull off the whole being good in bed..or at least kissing decently, what am I supposed to say about my hair issues. 99% of the guys out there would be repulsed with my condition, but there is nothing I can do about it.
As ridiculous as it sounds, I almost want to go out there and just have sex with a bunch of random guys. While it may make me feel like a slut, it would get me the experience I feel I'm lacking..Which will in turn make me more confident...And I'm in college (and have no social life because of my confidence issues) so now would be the perfect time. The only issue is I go to college in a small town ..and state..Everyone knows everyone and I don't want word getting out about how horrible and/or hairy I am.
On the polar opposite side of the spectrum, I've thought about remaining celibate until marriage..but at this rate I won't even find a boyfriend. And as horrible as this may seem, most people who are abstinent until marriage are uberly religious and while I don't mind having a boyfriend who believes in God, I don't want one who is all about the word of the bible and takes it literally. I come from a family of mixed religions and have a gay brother, so I'm sure you could imagine the issues that could arise lol.
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